so apparently.hospital willing thing. rape bodies listening. anxiety. *v. long* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

so i didn’t think this rule would still be the same when i moved. well apparently if i fall and the lady knows about it not only does she have to document it but no.we have to go to the damn hospital even if there’s nothing wrong. um i think i know my body a little better than anyone. and i think i know what to do if something happens. [doesn’t mean i’ll do it cause like if something small happened i wouldn’t want anyone knowing which is why i wouldn’t do anything about it] i’ll be fine. maybe i needed that when i was like 6 but i’m not 6 anymre. I don’t like being taken care of in that way and I don’t like having that kindof attention put on me. even if i refused i think she’d still probably take me...........against my fukin will. yes that’s right. i’m 28 godamn yrs. old and they’re treating me like i’m not.well not her specifically but her bosses whoever they are. see ok. so she works for Milton who works for Nick who works for someone higher up.i have no idea who that is i’ve never even met the person. see they whoever ‘they’ are treat everyone like we’re the same.and we’re not.
hey and ya know what else happened against my will? i was raped. so..........yeah people not listening to me is a big thing for me bc it reminds me of.that.
There was an incident last well last May actually when my mom rolled over my foot and she told stephanie and stephanie made this whole big thing about it. and i vividly recall standing in her room [stephanie’s i mean] and telling her something about if someone says no then the other person should in fact listen. she backed off but i mean.it still became a whole big thing.
and so that’s why i have to make damn sure i don’t fall. and honestly yeah that’s why i want thick carpeting in my room.so that if i do fall the lady doesn’t know. i’m not going to the fukin hospital.i’m not going to be taken care of.and i’m not going to go against my will that’s for damn sure. i want the rights to what happens to my own body and.it doesn’t seem like i have them. they tell me it’s about my safety yeah well...........it’s like they almost expect that to have an impact on me and it doesn’t. part of it’s that I choose not to care about that and part of it’s that............well the whole me not caring thing is actually part of my ptsd. i mean i’m already pretty anxious and so actually deeply caring would only make me moreso and that’s why i don’t.
and see that’s really what it comes down to is how damn anxious this makes me always being careful. i mean not that i’m a particularly clumsy person or anything as i’m not. well and this is partially why.bc I don’t want anyone making a thing of it if i fall.i want at least the option of being clumsy.............er well which ok i do have.but if i am like i said.it becomes a whole big thing and..........well like i’ve already gone over. if it’s something small but we still have to go to the hospital well frankly that seems a bit unneccesary. if people would just leave well enough alone.but no they won’t.or i don’t want to believe they will cause i don’t want to believe people are as good as they say they are.
to me the whole.........stupid hospital thing says she cares more about her job then she does me. and this is one reason I don’t want a job like this. cause like ok.if i’m getting together w/ a friend and they fall i want them to have the option of what to do about that and i want it to be entirely their decision.not mine. also it’s not my body it’s theirs. i don’t ever want to be the person who tells them what to do w/ their body. cause i didn’t have a choice w/ what to do w/ mine.when i was raped and i know how much that sucks.no it’s horrible it’s fukin horrible. or even tells them what to do though i have been that person admittedly. even if i don’t agree w/ it. cause they have the rights to their own body or at least they should. I won’t get involved unless they want me to and even then i’d be uncomfortable w/ it. i’d at least like to think i have enough respect for people to not........tell them what to do w/ their body. i mean that’s their right and i will defend to the death or [w/e it is] their right. not neccessarily what they’re doing.
i mean.ok so. i don’t agree w/ suicide. i’m not conding it. but if someone’s in that much pain and they’re that tired.........then what’s them living going to do for them? well nothing. i lost a friend to suicide so i know how painful it is for the living for those left behind. but that’s the thing is we always make it about us when someone leaves this physical earth.instead of about them. i personally think it’s more selfish to keep them here for us then let them go. no and i’m not saying it’s easy to do that cause it’s not. no i know.if you really want to talk about people being selfish.
i remember getting a form about my rights.........i’ll um ..............find that’s the word i’ll find it and look at it and see if this violates anything. and.........it’s er. it’s not even related to this specific thing itself. no it’s. I didn’t do that when i was raped.no i didn’t tell anyone who could do anything about it and that’s why. if they had gone to the uh authorities and didn’t tell me first.i wouldn’t’ve been able to trust that person. yeah making a decision for me after i’d already been raped.yeah ok right cause that’s the way to deal w/ someone who has ptsd. In fact that has happened.no not that specific thing but like ok w/ Clint. he told Valerie that something traumatic had happened to me............only without telling me first.and that’s why I don’t trust him.so yeah. honestly i’m pretty much done w/ him for right now i’m that angry.which is actually why i haven’t gotten at him. um......................fuuuuuu.......................oh and so bc I didn’t do anything about it when i was raped i’m trying to er make up for that. i think that’s another reason i drink. is i’m hoping somehow a part of me;s like ok if i drnk enough i can somehow go back to when i was 16 and wasn’t drinking and.not get raped. but see that doesn’t make sense so it must be something else hm............no but ok.so I was first raped when i was 17. I started drinking when I was 21 not......not heavily or anything.so i have this theory that if I hadn’t been raped I wouldn’t’ve started drinking. of course i have no way of knowing but it makes sense. so i think that’s what i meant.
but no matter how many times we do the right thing now it won’t change that we didn’t then.and i wish it would. people are like ‘well there’s no sense in going on about it can’t change it now’. yes but that’s exactly why i am going on about it is bc i can’t change it.and that bothers me.quite a bit in fact. so yeah.that’s what the whole finding the human rights violation form thing ties to.
um hm..................oh right so going back to the start of this entry. Well them having her take [and it hasn’t happened.to clarify] me to the hospital if I do happen to fall says to me.that they don’t trust me to do what i should about that. [and really if you think about that they shouldn’t cause i won’t do anything about it cause i don’t want anyone knowing. but see they again whoever ‘they’ are don’t see me as an individual so.uh i’m not sure if they know that about me]. so then why does this upset me........bc again it’s about not having a choice.no i mean i do but i’m sortof er ‘forced’ into that choice instead of doing it of my own volition. [which is a weird way to put it that i’m being ‘forced’ into a ‘choice’. doesn’t sound like much of a choice really] it’s ‘ok the rule is this is what’s going to happen’ not ‘ok the rule is you get to decide’. and also it’s a bit insulting.and patronising like they don’t trust me enough to make my own decision even if they don’t agree w/ that decision.and they’re taking what should be ‘my’ decision away from me. stupid pr*ks [sorry]. like sorry that i’m not unintelligent?...........oh wait no i’m not.
oh right. again to clarify. i didn’t have a bad experience in a hospital i just don’t like them.
and............also.i’m going to talk to my psychologist about how incredibly damn anxious this is making me.and about my anxiety in general.
i know.that if the lady didn’t take me to the hospital were something to happen she wouldn’t be being responsible. well frankly i don’t really care if she’s responsible. I mean she’s a perfectly nice person don’t get me wrong but she might as well be some random store clerk. ya know? or perhaps you don’t........erm............idk how else to put that.
and even if i moved the rule would still be the fukin same [apparently] so no point in that. the only way it wouldn’t.........is when i get my own place. which will happen.at some point hopefully sooner rather than later.
maybe it’s a good thing i can’t get that drunk that quickly [although having an increased. decreased? i’m confused as to which one...........] given what i now know.cause if i did.well i might actually fall so.
um yeah.