i have a hard time.connecting w/ people. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

i don’t know.how much sense this is going to make.

so w/ the valerie thing. Honestly I was hoping she’d be like ‘yeah ok i’ll change these things’ like her walking snowly. er slowly i mean. and it bothers me when anyone walks slowly.my god. not that i’m in a hurry but godamn. although recently when i’ve been at like the mall the reason i walk quickly now is so that people won’t talk to me. er i mean random people. and then she explained her side to me and i.didn’t want that. I didn’t want to have a conversation about that stuff. i mean when it comes to emotional stuff like depression or ptsd [well ok i guess that’s more psychological than anything] I’m able to connect w/ people.cause i have it and i’ve been there. but like.........things that aren’t that. I don’t really register people as.people if that makes any sense. like w/ feelings. that you should be careful w/. it’s like there’s this invisible between myself and the other person. and that ‘wall’ as it were is blocking........what could be. but i also choose not to care that deeply about everyone. also that is really godamn exhausting. and then you worry and that doesn’t do anything. so really that doesn’t appeal to me that much. i mean i care. i just don’t access that to the depth that i could. so part of it’s something i can help and part isn’t. Ya know in my head I don’t think completely about how the conversation will go. i just want to say my piece and that’s it be done w/ the whole thing. rather than ok ‘so i’m going to say this and the other person will reply w/ this’. i have a habit of.dominating conversations and i think that’s what i’m trying to get at.
Ya know I didn’t actually want to work things out w/ her. The only reason I’d brought those things up was so that she’d know and she’d change.that was really it. but i wasn’t going to tell her that.i just. I feel like my time was wasted during that conversation. and i don’t think it would go well if i told her that so she’s probably maybe better off not knowing. see that’s my whole thing about honesty. if you’re going to tell someone something that’s only going to hurt them then.well that won’t do anything for anyone it’ll only just upset people. i’m not um dishonest exactly but i’m also like.not one of the most honest people you’ll ever meet and that’s why.
and i didn’t want her to explain her side of things. i often don’t w/ people. Ya know I’m not looking for her to have me be more understanding. [which clearly i’m not in regards to all this]. again I wanted her to be like ‘ok i see your point and maybe it’s not something i can do a lot about but i’ll try and do better’. i really don’t like having my time wasted in that fashion.that’s one reason i don’t go to the dr. and i didn’t know this was how I was going to er well ‘feel’ [much as i don’t like using that word as it reminds me of stephanie] about it untill after it all happened. That’s the other thing about me is i’m not good at fully thinking these kind of things through. i’m not ‘ok well when i talk to her about it what will i think afterwards?’. no.
i’m just.mentioning how i am is all. if you relate ok please tell me.

Last updated July 17, 2018