The One Where I Contradict Everything I Say Around Every Corner in over whelmed...?

I have been working really hard on not being a self indulgent bitch and being a nicer person and more sincere and emphatic and less judgmental and all that fucking malarkey and it is really boring. When I look down to my very core I realize I would way rather be Anna Wintour/Meryl Streep than the badly dressed little writer girl/ whats her face with the big mouth and teeth (who is very pretty though.)
I am stirring up some silly drama at my local by claiming that I hate drama. It is sort of hilarious.

I watched this documentary called “There’s Something Wrong with Aunt Diane” about six weeks ago and I am still thinking about it constantly. My brain can’t seem to process it properly. I keep searching and searching the internet like I am some how going to solve this thing despite knowing that it isn’t going to happen.

Sometimes I feel like some sort of strange zombie. I devour people whole, I am totally fascinated by them and spend all of my time with them and then I tire of them and walk away. I feel like a cat that happily bats around a mouse for half an hour and then walks away without actually eating it.

I was really mean to someone Sunday night and I sort of feel bad about it but not really. Lets call him Mouse, shall we. Oh the vapid, shallowness of the tale I am about to tell has even made my eyes roll already.

The mouse and I met a couple of years ago at my local bar. I was there with the Fabulous M and we were just being loud and inappropriate and bitchy and laughing our asses off and he paid attention to us. We both loooooove attention so we started talking to him whenever we saw him. I guess at around the same time I had become friendly with the nerds (for once I am not being judgy, they actually call themselves the nerds.) They are a group of old friends that go to my local at happy hour. I was working more traditional hours at the time, for the first time in my adult life, so happy hour was a brand new and fascinating thing for me. The nerds are hilarious and basically I could pop up whenever I needed a good laugh and we would make jokes about poop and laugh and then go back to whatever our real lives entailed by sunset. And then the mouse started hanging out on the porch with the nerds too.

The mouse was recently divorced and new to the area and interested in making friends. I do not have many (any) friends partially because I am very careful and guarded and I usually treat making friends the same way I treat dating. If I don’t feel it right away then it isn’t going to happen. I need to feel some sort of spark or energy or commonality right away. Maybe I take the word friend to seriously. But personally I find making that leap from acquaintance to friend a rather tremendous leap.

Over time the mouse and I became fairly close. We both struggle with anxiety, we have a similar sense of humor, we bonded over making bitchy remarks about another person in the group, he offered to help us work on the beach house, we both like to drink.

Eventually I dropped out of happy hour. It became way too serious a thing and it got to big and it just wasn’t happy anymore. Come to think of it the OG nerds dropped out too. It all got really dramatic and bitchy and back stabby and I don’t care. I just wanted to laugh at poop jokes.

I also took a step back from the mouse. The thing that initially drew me to him was his sincerity and vulnerability but as the group got more and more dramatic so did he. Every time I saw him all he wanted to do was gossip about these people that he calls his friends. And the more he did that the more I withdrew because I do not really trust who can be someones best friend one second and talk smack about them the next. Like spilling the deepest darkest secrets of people whose houses he spends time at.

I ran into him on Sunday night and I had had a few drinks and he kept trying to get me to engage in talking shit about people I don’t care about and I cracked. I told him what I thought about him and I was mean and I hurt his feelings. I have a mean streak and I can’t help it. I stand behind everything I said but I could have been less horrid in conveying it.
Meh, whatevs.