Confliction in Random Thoughts

I spent a lovely 4 day weekend driving for many hours to see family and spend a birthday with my sister. She turned 36 last Thursday and i turned 39 Friday. I think its the first adult birthday we have spent together. We had a great time, shenanigans were had, good food, and fancy cocktails imbibed.

Over the weekend Dios, former main squeeze, lover, doorway into the kink world, shared some info with me that leaves me feeling hurt and conflicted. I may not have time to write this out, because my students will be here in about 10 minutes, plus it will take a little admission and back story....which i will start with.

About a month after Dios broke up with me, we spent a weekend together. It was fun, but left be emotionally raw afterwards for a while. I felt conflicted then. But, i kept going with my life and it faded away. So, after that we continued to see one another one weekend a month. Our sexual relationship seemed to blossom compared to where it was. We added an element to our kink that really broke through. I was orgasming, i felt uninhibited, unworried about how i was performing, etc, etc.

Right around when i met Jamie (remember, i have entered a poly relationship and Jamie knows i have other lovers. specifically, he knows about Dios), Dios and i had a weekend where he came up to me and we drive out to Mt. Hood and stayed the night with his friends. It was a wonderful time. It made me see how our relationship could/should have been. It really was ideal.

But, in the back of my mind, i remember the reasons that i knew it was not working…

Ok, time to go.

I am sad.

Back for now. The ideal weekend. I remember missing Dios after that, but also i had just started chatting with Jamie (and that has been a whirlwind 6 weeks since).

So, this past birthday weekend Dios opened up to me. Part of it may be because i had told him what had been going on with Jamie.

But i have to be truthful, i haven’t shared with Dios the depth of my emotional connection with Jamie. I was afraid that it hurt Dios’s feelings, he is a sensitive guy and i had been suspecting that he was regretting breaking up with me. Also, its one of my faults. I am not super good and sharing all the information. I keep important bits back for various reasons, often because i don’t want to hurt someone else. But, also because i don’t want to hurt me. In this case, it was both. I wanted what i have growing with Jamie, and what seemed to be a new fun place with Dios. Now, though. Now i think its just hurting us both.

Basically Dios wishes we lived closer. He feels that if that were the case, i would not need to look outside the two of us for any sexual or emotional needs (though he thinks its just sexual). Me misses me. He wants to talk tomorrow. Dios had incredibly thoughtful and insightful words for me. I love his thoughtfulness.

I am afraid this will end our relationship, as it is. And he is the one who ended it first, just wanting to be lovers until we found someone else.

Truth is, i never thought i was the one for Dios. He was wishing he had the same situation as with his ex Xo. I never felt that i fit that vision of the life partner he wanted. Now i feel like he is seeing me in that place. He never liked my sense of humor, it annoyed him (eh-hem, sense of humor is one sure fire way into my sapiosexual heart and that was one of my problems with us), but now it seems he finds my humor endearing (but not funny!). He says i am the best lover he’s ever had. That feeling is mutual. And what had changed for us, kink-wise, was really working.

Ugh. The bell.

If it weren’t for Jamie, i would not hesitate to drop everything to give Dios another try. But i don’t know if i can tell Dios that. There are the logistics of why things were not working.

Last updated February 16, 2016