Second Verse, Same as the First in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

But a little bit louder and a whole lot worse.

The weekend was good… saw friends, gave my wife a valentine’s day present… mentally took note of my parents’ 40th Wedding Anniversary (that I could not attend). Really… a good weekend.

Interrupted, as always, by a Monday morning. I realize for all that Mondays are difficult. But that has rarely ever been the case for me. True, waking is always a struggle… but the return to a routine and structured pace for the week typically provides me with a sense of comfort. But this danged Law Library, man.

Seriously… I woke up, resolved to go to the law library and just deal with it… but after I finished my cereal, I just thought “It’s a goddamned federal holiday and the entire Programs Department has the day off. Why the fuck am I expected to work when 100% of my department has the day off?” Which I then responded to myself with, “Because your job sucks, but you need money. You haven’t had an interview in all of February and there haven’t been any more job openings.”

I allowed that exchange to continue… trying desperately, desperately to convince myself to get off the futon and just go to work. Intellectually, I know I need to go to work. Shit, my marriage has been going better for the most part recently; so just bring some money home like my wife wants me to. But… it is a ridiculously Herculean mental task to just will myself to make the trip.

Got to the jail… one of the few days the entire parking lot is fucking empty… because even the COs are shorter staffed today since COs get holiday pay on a federal holiday. Another great mark for me… expected to work by bosses and wife… even though the entire department has the day off… and I don’t even get the holiday pay the rest of the people at the jail are making for being here.

Sat in the old familiar chair. Hadn’t even done an ounce of work yet… and already I’m drained by the effort of just being here. Looking at the work to do. If it was just paperwork, or just meetings, or just phone calls… if it was anything other than dealing with the inmates directly… I wouldn’t mind in the least. Because that is the department I work for. With the exception of Pedro and I… my colleagues in Pretrial… my boss’ assistant… my boss himself.... none of those people are EVER dealing with the inmates directly. Just Pedro and I. Only two that actually have to be in the same room as an inmate. Which is also probably why our budget has never had anything for security, training, or inmate management… because the Law Library is the only segment that would need any of that and who gives a shit about them?

As my boss is off enjoying Cozumel, I have to e-mail his brand new assistant my hours every day. I’ve already crafted today’s hour report and in it; I most certainly suggested that a replacement for me will be needed post haste as I find it so difficult to deal with the inmates anymore.

An ideal schedule for the rest of the week would be as follows:
Tuesday: 8 am to 4 pm Law Library and LSI… which would give me 10 hours for the day.
Wednesday: 8 am to 4 pm Law Library and RAP… which would give me 11 hours for the day.
Thursday: 8 am to 4 pm Law Library… which would give me 8 hours for the day.
Friday: 2 Court Shifts… which would give me 4 hours for the day.
Meaning all of that plus today would give me 35 to 40 hours for the week.
And even though I know I should do that… even though I know it is what would be best for my pocketbook, for the inmates, and for the department… I have very little faith in my ability to make it happen. I really can’t see myself even being able to do an 8 hour stretch in this jail anymore.

This won’t be shocking or in any way revealing as anyone who has followed me is far more aware of this even then I am… but a confession, stated, however obvious… can be healthy.

I’m downright terrified that this job has done considerable damage to my ability to work and my ability to get a job. Even talking with my Prosecutor Cousin, who knows what I do, she said that her initial instinct upon seeing “Department of Corrections” is to stop reading and assume the job has nothing to do with the law. Plus… taking such abuse from the job… from my boss and the inmates… makes me feel like I’m somehow owed something. Like… I went through all of this, now what do I get in return? Which is not an attitude a hiring interviewer wants to encounter. Someone who is hiring wants to interview someone with a Can Do Team Oriented mentality willing to dive in and take care of business. Which is who I’ve always been. But I’m worried that I’m not anymore. Because the Can Do Team Oriented part of me is exactly what got me stuck in the Law Library.
And that’s not all. I’ve sent out 60 resumes. 10% of those were in January of this year. The three interviews I’ve had this year have all gotten back to me with rejection letters. The three resumes who haven’t interviewed me haven’t even told me if I’ve been rejected yet. And there haven’t been any further listings… count attorney, public defender, or corporate attorney. As scared as I am that I won’t be able to be a good lawyer… I’m scared that I won’t get a job. ANY job. Even something like Human Resources Coordinator or any of the other cockamamie jobs Law School says you can get “outside of being a lawyer” with a law degree. It seems more and more likely that I’ll be that strange guy bagging groceries at the store… or the retail employee that looks too old to be working sales. I know I should be thinking positive, staying upbeat… all of that. But I also think fear is a valid response right now. After 60 rejections (either assumed by silence or affirmed by statement) and no new listings for the last two weeks…is it really that hard to understand fear?

Intellectually, I understand that I just have to keep my head down… nose to the grindstone… stiff upper lip and all… but I just honestly feel like I’m living in some kind of void. A void of an existence with no way out. I’m reminded of what my cousin told me (after I e-mailed her and after seeing all the “stay positive” suggestions about job hunts): “You have a right to be really freaking ticked off at this point. Let yourself be mad about it. Give yourself some time to vent and call people stupid. (Not to their faces). Get that out of your system, because if you don’t…it could give you some bitterness. You don’t want that.”
But I am sincerely worried that I’ve already crossed over into bitterness. Not because of the job hunt… I mean, partially… because how can I get experience Catch 22… but I think the bitterness set in because I was no longer looking at the Job Hunt as “getting a job” but as “Escaping my shitty job.” And every time I was told no… it wasn’t just “No, you’re not the right fit right now” it was “You go back to your shitty and abusive job; stop trying to escape!” Something to worry about and try to work against.