Day 11 Month 2 Year 2016 in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

It is hard to say at this point… but my broken body may have just royally gotten in my way. After 20 hours of working in the law library this week already (and 8 hours of pretrial to go on Friday)… my body is a little stiff. Add the fact that the parking lot around work is closed and that I have to walk an extra twenty minutes and my stiff body is also a bit sore. Add the fact that all that walking has to be done in 25 degree days and my body is a LOT stiff and sore!!

I woke up this morning and could barely walk. Just shut off my alarm and stayed in bed. Until an old familiar event… slap, punch, hit, thwack. WHAT?! “You were snoring. So now I woke up an hour early! Why aren’t you at work?!” Good morning to you, too, Wife. Did my best to drag myself out of the bedroom… grabbed a bowl of cereal, but even after eating that my legs were still just in so much pain. So I grabbed a blanket and went to sleep on the futon. I was out so hard that I slept through wife cooking herself eggs in the kitchen (kitchen is less than a foot from the futon) and I slept through her exercising in the living room (living room is about 3 feet from the futon). When I did wake up… Wife shared her annoyance that I drooled on the pillows on the futon and then, again, “When are you going to work?!” I informed her that, all things being equal, I would already get around 30 to 32 hours at minimum this week… for a part time job. To which she informed me that if I can work more, I should! I know what’s going on… she dropped enough signals about it last night… she has reached the emotional level just before absolute panic… because she’s obsessing over the eventual move (sometime between now and May) and obsessing over the loss of revenue from me (sometime between now and May). I’m trying to be understanding… that this is her classically handling the idea of change with panic and terror; so she’s returning to her most comfortable emotion of anger. But still… that sucks to be around… especially since we were doing so well as a couple these last five weeks.

But… another reason the broken body may have gotten in my way? I finished my resignation letter last night… to my parents absolute delight (since they are worried about my safety) and my wife’s absolute dismay (since she is worried about our finances). Today is my boss’ last day before flying off to Cozumel until the end of the month. While I realize I could give my resignation letter to his assistant so as to still be within 2 weeks notice… that seems cowardly. So… my new plan is to modify the resignation letter a bit. Instead of apologizing for giving my two weeks right before he leaves on vacation; I shall give him my resignation when he returns and I’ll change the resignation to say that my two weeks would have started on the 22nd while he was away… and apologize for such short notice but that it couldn’t be helped under the circumstances.
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Honestly though… things with Wife went back to “before” sometime last night.

She came home from the Dread Wal Mart, and I greeted her with my usual “Hey, Lady! How was work?” To her usual, “It was work.” I was in the computer area/bedroom working on my resignation when she came in… which she showed annoyance over. Then I told her that my dad had decided to give us a considerable amount of money to help us finish paying the Law School Loan. For new readers… I’m not so foolish as to pretend I don’t need that money… nor am I so ungrateful to reject that money. But receiving large sums of money from family truly makes me sick to my stomach. At 31, I should be taking care of my own affairs… and the fact that I cannot feels like a profound failure. My father and I have discussed it at length in private (because we are very similar in these regards) and my dad has done a wonderful job of allowing me to save face (the official reason given for the money is “Tax Purposes related to a Trust Payment”) but… my sense of pride and honor are deeply affected by this.... so it is already kind of an emotionally charged issue.

AND… every year my father does this… it becomes an argument in my home. Because instead of marveling at the generosity of my family… instead of joining me in some superficial hand wringing over the abstract implications of the gift… every year my wife gets nervous, scared, and then pissed off because of the tax implications. Traditionally, receiving the gift requires us to file a delay with the IRS and a prepayment to Iowa. NOT that big of a problem. Something we’ve managed to do with aplomb every year… despite Wife (basically) throwing a tantrum every year. But every year… she decides to get super pissed off and freak out because she doesn’t want to deal with the hassle of filing a delay. She was saying that this year would be even worse because what if we move?! We did our usual dance steps to this argument… and that is exactly what it is at this point. She flips out, freaks out, throws a tantrum, and then demands that (since it is my family’s gift) I have to deal with all of the taxes this year because it is too much for her to deal with. My steps to this dance are to try to reason with her, stand up to her tantrum, accept that I’ll do the taxes, and then inform her that what bothers me the most is that she never seems grateful for the gift since she’s so quick to jump on “Pissed off” that she flies by “Appreciation.”

But this year… there was an after show that isn’t usual. And I’m guessing it is what (partially) led to the bullshit this morning. For the rest of the night… there was a sense of unease bordering on terror in her eyes. Mentioning the move got her thinking about it. It got her thinking about all the steps to come and all of the things we don’t know about yet. And every other sentence last night was attached to “the move.” Again… I do try to be understanding. The whole thing is terrifying to a degree.

If, come May, nothing has happened for us. We will be moving. Moving is stressful enough as it is. But, in the worst case scenario, we will be moving and neither of us will have jobs set up at the place to which we are moving. We won’t know how we’re going to make money. Stressful. And I can appreciate that. But that is all still… Wife’s issues. Instead of planning for the worst and hoping for the best… she analyzes the worst, figures out all the ways it could be ruinous, and is then so gripped with anxiety and frustration that she doesn’t do anything about it but certainly lets it affect her mood for a good long while.

Meanwhile, I keep sectioning it out. Worst Case Scenario Move Wise? I get a job offer but am required to start March 1st. THAT is worst case scenario for the move… because instead of taking our time to pack this place and find a new place to live? We would have 3 weeks. Wife doesn’t think about that… it would involve me getting a job offer. Worst Case Scenario Job Wise? Yeah, that freaks me out. But I am also aware that we have a considerable amount of money in the bank and family that (if absolutely necessary) will let us live with them. So… I can be understanding… but the fact that she is SO terrified by change and SO emotionally cross-wires that her primary expression is Anger… that will be draining and problematic. And another sure sign of why, if we are preparing for a May move without jobs… it is actually better if I quit Law Library at the beginning of March. Because Wife is going to be so emotionally at odds that I’ll have to do a considerable amount of the packing… all while trying to deal with her.