written 10/10/1999
Hello, I have so much catching up to do on what I wanna say. As usual I probably won't manage to say any of it…
First of all, my weight. I've been gaining again - I now weigh 62.700. More than at the beginning. I spent yesterday being depressed about it, but now I promised myself to do something about it this week and I feel better. I will not disappoint my diary again! Next time I write, I'll have good news, I promise.
Second, a trivial correction: in the first entries I referred to Denise as my best friend, and then on one of the last entries I called Carrot top my best friend. Well the answer is - yes. They are both my best friends. Carrot has been my friend since 7th grade, we've always done everything together and have a mountain of memories. While we are very different in our values and interests, we can have extremely long phone conversations about almost anything. We don't get as personal as I get with some of my other friends, because Carrot is a very closed person and likes to save face - not admit she's having trouble. But she likes talking about the little annoying details of her life, and I like to listen - she tells it in a very interesting way! I think she's the most sane of all my friends, and it's nice to have someone reasonable to talk to once in a while. Most of my friends are very off the wall people - this makes them very entertaining, but sometimes I need a break from all those DEEP, DARK feelings my crazy friends have… (and then I come here, right? :) ).
Denise is the other side of my life. She's one of the "most likely to succeed psychos" I've ever met. If she weren't so ambitious and good at everything she does, she'd be institutionalized a long, long time ago. We met on he first day of university (about 3.5 years ago) and became instant friends. She really change my life, forcing me to talk about my deepest feelings (Can you imagine this picture - I'm telling her I don't really know why I feel something and she's standing on her bed, holding a pillow and yelling "What so you mean you don't know????????!!!!!!!!! INTROSPECT! INTROSPECT!!!!!!!!!" She has this "psychology is my life and religion" attitude. She goes to therapy and takes it VERY, VERY seriously. She is so intense about everything, but has really weird opinions about things. For instance, she's very sexy and sexual - and very direct about it. She can go to a random person on the street and say "my boyfriend said I'm not sensuous enough. What do you think?" not because she's trying to be funny and crazy - she just wants an answer.
Anyway, Denise is one person who can bring me to tears or immense joy with a few words… a much more intense (did I already use that word?) relationship than the one I have with Carrot. So I have each one of the to calm down from the other one.
Well, that went on much longer than I meant….
So…… The last time I said anything about my relationship with Odie, it was that things were going kind of well - we felt pretty close and happy, but not touching that much. On Tuesday we woke up in this happy mood, and Odie said, kind of regretfully, that he had this camera that he had taken from his mom, and put black and white film in it, and he was really planning to take some nude photos of me - should he give it up and return the camera to his mom?
Now, we'd been talking about this for quite a while, and I can say the idea was quite a turn on for me. I'd never done it before, and I kind of like to experience most exciting things as long as they don't cost to much money, don't hurt and aren't irreversible. And I was thinking, if we took pictures, it wasn't like REALLY initiating sex - that means we wouldn't have to go through the whole procedure. It would be like what I had suggested in the beginning, to kind of play with sex, get comfortable about it. Not take it too seriously and therefore not get too panicky about the whole thing. So I said: "Why don't we take them now?". Of course I was on my way to work, but I thought the idea of doing something relating to sex, PLUS the idea that I was willing to be late for work in order to do it, would make Odie really happy. I was right, too. He was overjoyed. Especially when he saw that I was really not uncomfortable being naked in front of the camera - don't know why that happened, but I found myself not at all shy about the whole situation.
He took a few pictures of me and then asked me to take some of him. I was kind of disappointed in myself because I was a lot more turned on by having him photograph me than by photographing him. Pretty vain. He had the more creative artsy ideas - like how the light should fall to create an interesting composition, and that type of things. My only creative ideas came from accessories - I put a high-heel shoe on him and had him hug a teddy bear or play a guitar. He, on the other hand, took very close close-ups of my very private parts from very interesting angles…
When we finished the film it was REALLY time for me to go to work, but I was kind of turned on and I knew it would be a long time before THAT would happen again. And I also remembered everything he'd said about how he really hates to be aroused and not have anything to do with it. So… We had sex. Unbelievable, huh? I thought we wouldn't be doing it in a long time, not without professional help. Right now, almost a week since, I don't really remember if I enjoyed it, or just enjoyed the fact that I was finally breaking the ice between us. Probably both. I remember that my muscles were tensing (they almost always do) and I said to myself in my head "relax, just relax. Sex is good. Everyone else thinks so, so they may be right. If you just relax, everything will be fine…" and it was better than usual. I don't know what I have against sex. It's obviously not the idea of it, since I had no problem getting undressed and posing for the camera while thinking dirty sexual thought. But I guess the idea of it is more entertaining that the actual thing. Now that I think of it, I was always turned on more by thought than by any other thing. Like if I was doing it with a very attractive guy, I could be kind of apathetic until I forced myself to think "Wow, HE is doing THAT to ME" and then my body would suddenly respond. It's like the idea was the real thing and the feeling in my body was the substitute, not the other way around like it's supposed to be.
(To be cont.)
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