Since I’ve discovered this site it’s been taking up some 4 hours a day of my work time and a lot more of my thinking time. I found myself sometimes preoccupied with things I’d read on certain diaries, and before I could stop myself I was saying things like "Wow, I gotta get to work to see if that girl has killed herself or not", and having to explain to people what the hell I was talking about. The reactions were variable. Spaghetti immediately wanted me to tell her where my diary is so she could read it. I told her I didn’t want her to read it and, as very typical of spaghetti, she started pestering me to give her the URL of the site. She was really nagging. Now, I would love for her to read some of the diaries I’ve seen, so we can compare comment on them. I think she would really enjoy some of the stuff. But I know she’s really after MY diary, and it’s really easy to find (only about 30 diaries in Israel, how many of them are about fat 23 year old girls?). I asked her if she could promise not to read my diary and she said NO WAY. She’s right, too - if I was in her shoes I know I couldn’t trust myself. Now there is a part of me that actually wants her to find it. So if you’re reading this, Spaghetti, please leave me a note… (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)
I’m wondering what it is that I am hiding here. Spaghetti knows more about my life than anyone else in the world, probably including me. She has been known to peek into my room when boys are over, just to make sure I’m being as bad a girl as she taught me to be. She’s also the worst secret keeper in the world. But I usually don’t mind these things (it’s just the way she is, you know), and she knows everything about my life.
But, I guess the things I really don’t want her to know are the emotional things - how bad I feel about myself sometimes, how obsessed I am with my weight, how insecure I am. And on the flip side of that, I don’t want her to say things like "She thinks she has nice hair? HA!" It’s going to be hard to keep it from her, though. She has a way of getting things out of people.
I know that there are people here who let heir friends see their diaries. Have you ever been hurt by that? Or have you ever found yourself censoring yourself?
I also told Odie about this place, not telling him that I have my own diary in it. I’m not afraid he’s see it since he doesn’t have any internet access. I told him there was this place where you can spill your heart out and people will react, generally with short, encouraging notes. I’ve never seen people insult each other here. I know I’ve been tempted to give advice to people, but thought the better of it because maybe they would find it to harsh. I know people come here to find consolation, not a reality check.
So Odie says "hey, so if I go there I can insult everyone and that will make me special!"
Boy, was that a surprise for me. Odie, as you may remember, is the guy that would never hurt a fly except by being too nice to it and calling it annoying nicknames ("Oh flyster…, flye’le…. , come here flysky…."). I thought it was because he was a nice person, but maybe he’s just afraid? Maybe he would use the anonymity to finally vent a load of pent-up aggression I didn’t know existed? Scary thought… Maybe he’ll end up as one of those people who program viruses and I didn’t even know…
I’m glad he has no internet access.
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