Just A Semi. in Friends With the Benedicts

I just wanted to do a small update and make sure that I mark this time in my life. I am facing having my hysterectomy very soon. I will find out the exact date when I go to my appt. on the 11th. So, just a couple days now. I think they will have to cut me rather than go in thru my belly button or hoohah. LOL. I’ve been reading (yes I know you’re not supposed to self diagnose but in this case I feel like it is important that I am as informed as possible.) and most if the cases of people who had total hysterectomies (both the uterus and the cervix taken, but leaving the ovaries) have had a cut in their abdomen, usually vertical, oddly enough. lol. So I definitely have some questions for them. It doesn’t matter that much, I mean, it’s not like I will change my mind upon hearing that I will have to be cut externally, but I know it will change the pain factor, and that is kinda scaring me. Also, a friend of Laura’s that she has known since at least highschool, but I think maybe even middle school, is a legally married lesbian back in her home town in Iowa. They just had a baby girl a few days ago, and it is hitting me hard. No, it doesn’t mean that I will regret my decision or that I actually do want a child. It simply means that I know if things were very different, that could be us. That should be us. And it has just saddened me. I want to want it, so badly. But I just don’t. I can hold a brand new baby now and feel nothing, and then just hand it back like eh. That, and of course I would not want to inflict myself on any child. Contrary to what yall may get a glimpse of, or a feeling for, I am not a happy human being most of the time. I would not be a Mom who would want to go outside and play, etc. Basically I refuse to be selfish and have a child just so I can say I did. I would NOT do that to my child. And besides, I am already a mother to Zackary Dominic. He left me, not entirely of my own free will, but that’s for me to wrestle with, on Jan 17th, 1997, when I was 15 years old. He will always be my child. He was my child for 13 weeks as he grew in me and I made the toughest choice a person can ever ever make. And I didn’t even make it for myself. It was made for me. The only thing I would have done differently now looking back is adoption. That is a big regret. I had a couple who offered. I didn’t think I could do it. I have wanted a child since I could conceive. And now that will soon all be over. And I will be grieving, again. But this time it will be because they have taken the one place where I knew my one child for such a short time. I only know him in my womb. And that will soon go away as well. Yep.. lots of grieving to be done. My poor wife. LOL! I cried for at least 30 mins. the other nite as she held me and just, was. I love her with everything that I am. And it kills me that I cannot give her a child for us to love and raise together. And please, no notes saying there is still a chance this way or that. I do not want one. We do not want it. We just want to have things the right way to where we could have it, ya know? Well, I will make this public for now, I just hope that I can trust my fellow proseboxers not to say anything offensive in this hard time for me. Yall have always been great and I have never had a problem before, so I doubt I will now. Love you all, nite. <3

Steph