The last two days were so emotional - I don’t even know where to start... Wednesday night me and Odie finally had our major, all-out fight about the sex issue. I think the whole fight lasted about three hours and I cried about 3 liters of tears. I was pretty convinced this was it - we’re breaking up. Odie said he was feeling unloved and unwanted - that he didn’t see love without passion. He was tired of making advanced and being turned down, and that the more he was trying to shut up about it, the less he was getting. He said he felt that every time he reached out to touch me he felt a kind of fear in me, and he couldn’t live with this kind of situation.
I told him my problem was that I really wanted it less than him, and every time I did it not really wanting to do it, it made me want to do it less, and connect the sex more with negative things. He was really insulted by that one - he asked me "Aren’t you attracted to me at all?". I swore I was, and said it was just this pattern that made it worse - he pressures me, I do it when i only 90% want to, I want to do it less, he puts more pressure on me, and so on. He also has this thing that every sexual encounter must end in orgasm. I said that I would rather know that I could make a move toward his private parts without that meaning I have signed a contract to give him orgasm. he said that was not something he could compromise on - for him every sexual encounter has to be all or nothing. I told him I didn’t know what to do, if we couldn’t do it gradually then how could I ever get over my conditioning of sex as a burden?
He said the way it was going it was going to lead to a dead end. Not that he wanted it to, but that’s what was going to happen. I told him I don’t know what to do - if I could i would just do it, but that’s not what he wants and anyway I can’t. I just can’t. he asked me not to cry and of course that only made me cry harder. (It’s so useless to say that "Don’t cry, please don’t cry", it always makes me feel worse.)
Then I said we should go to a sexologist. I had in mind something like marrige counseling but he said "that’s an idea, you’ll go to a sexologist and cure your irrational fear of sex". I could have killed him at this point. Prefferably by hitting him on the head with a giant dildo. But unstead I said quietly that this is definately both our problems and we have to do it together. After a few "of course I’ll come with you" types of statements, I finally got him to understand that I thought we should be equal in this.
So that’s what we’re going to do. Go to a sexologist. He’s going to leave me alone for a bit, as long as I set the appointment as fast as possible (so I guess he still thinks it’s my responsibility somehow).
So much for that. The rest of the weekend was much better. We finally had normal CONVERSATION and remembered why we were together in the first place. I hope this works.
By the way, I found myself crying about this whole thing to my dad. I never cry to my dad. Sometimes my mom, but usually neither of them. But my dad said, immediatly "well, of course if he’s at home all day and you have a job and a life, he’ll want sex every minute and you won’t. Why don’t you find someone with more of an outer world that you won’t have to entertain all the time!". I hadn’t even thought of that. He made it seem like the whole problem was odie’s which was a big change from what the conversation between us had led me to think, or, by the way, what any of my friends said. My dad said "this is so typical of you to blame yourself for something that a. Happens between most of the couples (that the guy wants more thaan the girl, and yes, once a week is a common frequency, according to my dad), and b. Is not only my fault. I don’t know if he’s right or if he’s just telling me that to make me feel better, but it worked....
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