Day 29 Month 1 Year 2016 in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Another day. Exhausted from the driving still. Just exhausted in general. To be fair… one of the things that has been the most draining about the job search? Actually getting interviewed for potentially prime desired locations. I’ve been interviewed by 4 different counties that would be ideally located… they would be great jobs with wonderful pay placed in an almost perfect part of the state. To get so close only to fail… and then to do that over and over and over. I don’t care if you think I’m being whiny or petty… that is emotionally exhausting.

Flopped out of bed… threw on my suit… realized I had a Honey Do chore that needed to be completed by 6 pm… which, cool, gives me a reason not to do Law Library after Court. Court was blah. Talked to the judge afterwards and he says that, yes… it is a well known professional fact (now) that the job market for us is as bad as it has ever been.

Greaaaat. Congratulations, American Comedians… you’ve made “Attorney” a dirty word. But… to show you why that might be a problem? When your government poisons your drinking water… you need to sue them and win to fix it. Or at the very least, you need to sue them to make them pay for the damage done to you and your children. When the government passes a law that clearly violates the constitution… you need to sue the government in the supreme court to make sure the constitution is protected. If you have a relative that dies; you’ll likely need a lawyer. Buying a new house? Lawyers are important to that process, even if you don’t hire one. Someone you love getting overworked and underpaid? They should be able to sue their employer for the benefits and treatment they aren’t receiving. Getting a divorce? You’re going to want to make sure you have a GOOD (in skill and ethics) attorney. Adopting? You’ll need a lawyer. Live in a city with crime? You’ll need at least 3 lawyers (Defense, Prosecution, Judge). And no, I’m not inflating the need for attorneys. Attorneys are the messengers in a governmental system like the one we have in America. If you “First, kill all the lawyers” then the only people that send messages to the government are either (1) the extremely wealthy; or (2) the extremely well connected. Sound familiar?

As to the requirement of 3 lawyers in criminal cases.... in Iowa… that is getting overlooked more often than not. I’ve already interviewed in a few counties where there was ONE attorney. The prosecutor. The judge had to be brought in from a different county; and the public defender’s office was from even another county. Meaning… some County Offices that are being staffed exclusively by County Supervisors… are in fact doing the work of 3 or more counties. But by all means… we don’t need any more attorneys!

Okay, that turned into a rant and I’m sorry. Anyway, the judge told me how absolutely horrid the job market is. Then I came into the office to while away some hours. Probably meeting up with some co-workers at a bar later.

The bar was.... good? It was me and the former Law Librarian mostly. Then her boyfriend came. They are a few weeks away from moving in together. Then the live music started. Live music is fine, honestly… but… in a small venue… what deaf asshole decided to mic the trumpet player? Are you out of your goddamned mind?! The trumpet (being mic’d) overpowered the drums, lead guitar, rhythm guitar, bass guitar, and all 9 singers! And my ears are still ringing! Shoddy, shitty decision to mic the friggin trumpet!!

It was nice, though. It reminded me that I hadn’t done something purely social in a long time. The closest I come is either (1) Pathfinder or (2) Destiny. (1) Pathfinder requires me to play a specific character so it is more like acting then honest social interaction and (2) Destiny is 100% online and 100% goal oriented. It was… nice… and different… to experience social interaction with genuine humans.

I texted my wife that I was going to grab drinks with work friends… no texts back. When I got home, she wasn’t there. She had mentioned possibly going with work friends to a dance club, so I assume she’s there. But knowing that I was once grounded for not saying “goodbye” is it any wonder why I’m a little irked that there was no text back or note or anything. It is one of the elements of marriage with which I am still trying to cope. Wife grew up an only child to mildly neglectful parents… I grew up the younger, sickly child of very involved parents.... we are going to have considerably different ideas on communication.

In what I consider to be the most sad news of the month… at the beginning of the month… knowing I had several interviews coming up… I bought champagne. I figured it would help me stay positive… I’d uncork that bitch and toast to my new job by theend of the month. Well… it is now the end of the month. I have no job to toast to. But I’m still going to drink that champagne. Bottoms up, bitches.... not surprisingly, another attempt to keep my chin up becomes another thing that just goddamned depresses me.

I rarely remark on responses to previous entries but… I’m going to.
Yell at me, feel offended, “call me on my bullshit” if you feel you must but… here I go.
I opened up about something deeply personal. I don’t like admitting that I have fears. I was raised in a family that said, “Always overcome your fears. Face them and be stronger.” So admitting I still feel fear is difficult for me. I admitted I have fears and I named them. And people argued with me and/or made me feel bad about those fears. That isn’t cool and, I thought, that isn’t what this place is about.
(1) I do fear poverty. And it is wonderful that there are so many willing to do with so little so that others may have more fairly. That’s great. But the fact that some people can live on $10, doesn’t mean that everyone can. And if someone is afraid of that, it isn’t fair to make them feel bad or greedy. Yeah, I’ve known privilege and I’ll admit that. My uncle lives in a $900,000 home. My parents live in a $205,000 home. So I get that my fears of poverty make some of you disgusted. Because how dare someone with a background of some money fear not having money. Well, guess what geniuses… that is how fear manifests. Knowing one way of life, being raised in a specific world… then having that world vanish and become potentially unattainable? And you want to make me feel bad for being afraid of that? That isn’t cool.
(2) I love my readers; many of you with opinions and differing lifestyles that I would never have been exposed to if not through Prosebox. But… the truth of a place like this is that, for most of us, we never truly know the writers. We get glimpses, sometimes long looks… but everything is presented from the writer’s perspective. A biased perspective no matter how unbiased the writer tries to be. With that in mind… it seems odd that anyone would try to argue against a statement of personal truth. I desperately fear that my life will have not meant anything. I fear never finding my purpose… I fear never having a purpose. Some suggested that meant what I really feared was death. I’m sorry but that is incorrect. I welcome death. Death is as expected and predictable as puberty, graying hair, and other bodily changes. We don’t know exactly when or in what way things will change… but it is inevitable. So I don’t fear it. I do fear living a life that never amounted to anything. I fear, at the end of my days, looking back at my life and seeing no great accomplishments, no lives profoundly touched by my influence, never meaning something to the world in any way. I fear a floating existence of perpetual nothingness. I fear never finding the meaning to my life. I fear my life never having value in any way. I fear never having a purpose. That is what I fear. I’m not trying to speak metaphorically. I’m speaking directly.