the stephanie thing.and rape. *v. long* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

no i wasn’t raped again.thank god. it’s been a little over 3 yrs. since i last was.

um so lately.I’ve been thinking about the Stephanie thing. Stephanie for those who don’t know/have forgotten/w/e was the lady I previously lived w/ before I moved to where i’m at now. and she. well i ended up not liking her. ok so on my last night there. well backtracking a bit: I made this rule thingy for myself that I’d eat dinner w/ them once a wk. and i meant all of them and not just her. and ‘all of them’ being her jenn and kris. [jenn’s her daughter kris is her best friend]. well so ok my last night there was a Sat. so she’s [stephanie i mean] like ‘i think you need to eat w/ us’ and i’m like ‘no’ and she’s ‘yes you need to eat w/ us’ and i’m like ‘fine. then i won’t eat’ and she’s ‘give me the bowl’ [i mean dishes not pot. though if i’d been high this whole thing wouldn’t’ve happened] and then I said..........well i’m not ready to put what i said but it was along the lines of ‘you can go away now’. except it was much bigger than that.
ok so then. After that she comes into my room. I’m on my bed and well she’s not a particularly small person whereas i am. anyway so she gets in front of me w/ her arms on the bed on either side of me and proceeds to threaten me. I was so damn scared I didn’t do anything else. Jenn came into the room at that point thank god. and then they left and i called my mom and told her I told my friend Mark I told evan. I was actually quite surprised she had it in her. cause she was always so fukin nice and so fukin happy and it wasn’t.......it wasn’t real ya know? i wanted a reaction from her I just didn’t think she was going to go as far as to actually threaten me. and see that’s the thing that surprised the hell out of me. and I told her months before that if she did anything like that that i’d tell someone. and she was like ‘ok’. cause there have been times. where i haven’t told someone. yeah so like i said I called my mom and told her and told Mark and evan. cause yeah no you don’t fukin threaten me and have me not say anything about it to someone.just no.
and the thing was. she knew. she knew exactly what she was doing you know so it wasn’t like she was drunk and said it oh no. like yeah I knew what I was saying too [and to be honest it felt damn good too. i don’t even feel that bad about it] but I didn’t threaten her. i generally don’t threaten people.no. She crossed an even bigger line than i did. and honestly yeah I wish i had stayed there cause yeah I liked the chaos. i’m an addict and chaos is my drug. I don’t think i would’ve moved forward much or at all really had i stayed. I can only see myself being more terrible towards her and telling her exactly the things I don’t like about her and eventually yeah i might’ve gotten physical. and i haven’t gotten physical w/ anyone in that way in maybe 4 yrs. it’s something I try v. hard not to do.
so anyway. After all that happened in the bedroom and jenn came in and they left and I called.the people I’d mentioned above my dad came and picked me up and i stayed at my mom’s for a wk.and that went.well. and then on Sept. 24th I moved to where i’m at now.
Like I was saying she knew.exactly what she was doing and also she chose to say that. just like w/ the guys who um raped me.oh no they fukin knew too. like they knew they were raping me. In fact the last time it happened I even told the guy not to and he told me he wouldn’t but then he did it anyway.yeah cause people don’t listen and that’s why when they don’t listen to me about the big stuff I have such an issue w/ it. i mean that night the night i was last raped i was too drunk/high too consent so.........as a bar friend/regular once told me ‘there was nothing consensual about that night’. and i’ve always remembered that. and no there wasn’t. once we got to my place............no.
anyway back to the Stephanie thing. which is really what this is about. so I don’t trust her. and why would i no i don’t think i should right now or maybe ever really though ‘ever’ is a long time. and even though I’m not living there anymore well when I was there they had another client and he. well he’s not able to defend himself if something were to happen. now yes while she didn’t just blatantly threaten me out of nowhere i still fell like she might do that to him. but other than my own personal feelings towards her i have absolutely no supporting evidence that she is. and as much as i want to I don’t think I should just. blatantly randomly state she is when.........as said I have zero supporting evidence of that and therefore don’t really have the fukin right to.no i really don’t. It’s like earn the fukin right.
But see thing is. I don’t want anyone else to trust her. i think so i won’t feel alone in this. I also know that people are gonna do what they’re gonna do and i’m living proof of that. and sometimes yeah that sucks. and i don’t like it but it’s how it is. and a part of me’s like well fuk how many other people has she done that too? and yeah maybe it’s completely illogical to think that and maybe yeah it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but ya know what.it stems from a v. real place.
I know that it’s not my place to tell like ok Milton or Nick my own personal feelings about this. i mean I can tell my friends and that’s ok.or blog about it here. or talk about it w/ valerie which actually last night I did. you know there are certain people to talk to about certain things and personally I’ve never liked that. but i just.i want some sort of justice for her ya know? if something does happen there I can’t like er well obviously prevent it. I can just hope that someone does the right thing.but I want that someone to be me bc, well, i’m that damn entitled. no it’s not even that i care that much it’s that i’m as said entitled.
But ya know. maybe i’m better off not living there bc of.what i would’ve done had i stayed there. yeah i think i am. I think as of right now there might always be a part of me that wishes I was still living there.and wishes i’d done those things.
so anyway. Like I mentioned i was talking to valerie about it last night and she was saying i could talk to Milton about it. well not like give details or anything but just ask someone to check in over there and see if things are ok. but if they are then it’ll be like well shit now i feel stupid for requesting that. and of course if like someone er the manager of a bookstore for example knows their higher up person is going to check in on them well yeah then they’ll make everything look good. honestly I think I want some sort of supporting evidence. and i might not ever get that and i don’t want to accept that.
it’s just idinno it’s hard. this is a hard thing for me. i just feel helpless once again and i’m not good at being w/ that feeling i don’t like that feeling. like there’s honestly not a whole helluva lot I can realistically do. also it’s already been done I’ve already moved. like I’m not living there any more but in my head i am. and one of these days i’ll probably be in a better place w/ this but right now i’m not and that’s...........that’s ok. sometimes we just aren’t.
Ya know yesterday i was thinking ok what’s going to be the best thing for me? not for the other client who last I knew still lives there but for me. well i think it was moving. as much as i miss the chaos and i do. They say w/ those kindof people another best thing to do is to distance oneself. and physically i have just not emotionally. that’s why i don’t talk to my ex is he still scares me.he also threatened me btw. so that’s my answer as far as i’ve gotten.
yes but that’s why it bothers me so much is bc there’s not a whole lot i can realistically do about it and nor should i. Some people they’re not stuck in the past and they don’t go on about it but i’m not one of them.
so i might back down from asking Milton to have someone check in and here’s why: bc i don’t feel like it was ‘that bad’. just like w/ the rapes. they weren’t ‘that bad’. i’d been raped before i can deal w/ it. well and i mean which is true i can just........just not well at times. That’s one of the reasons I drink. drinking actually is a sign of ptsd which i have. [not that everyone who drinks has it i’m jus sayin]. being abused isn’t new to me. it’s just another event in the course of my lifetime in a way. like ‘oh yeah i’ve been abused again. ok time to watch tv’. like that makes it sound like some mundane ‘normal’ thing. right up there w/ watching tv. maybe that’s a weird way to put it but yeah there it is. it’s like ‘yeah ok she threatened me. and?’ it’s not that big a thing. i’m used to this. what i’m not used to is not being abused now that’d be a shock.
But the thing is. and i’m even more aware of this now through my blogging about the rapes in here. it is that big a thing. Rape is.........is horrible. It’s not something I talk about it’s not something I tell most people. I’ll talk about the cutting and I’m open when I talk about it. [btw this is irrelevant to the rapes]. but idinno the ..........what happened to me.no. it’s like that whole ‘it could be worse’ card. well i hate that card cause i feel it’s invalidating. like well thanks. No but see this is ‘the worse’!. it’s my worse anyway. There are probably i’m guessing a lot of people who haven’t been raped and they’re v. lucky. no one wants to be [some people have fantasies about it and i get why and that’s different and perfectly ok] and no one rapes the willing that’s why it’s known as rape. so yeah her threatening me is..............is in fact.that bad.
and. while i’m going on about this.another reason i don’t want anyone to trust her is bc i want them to see her the same way i do. ya know people could be like ‘well she’s a good person’ or ‘she meant well’ [well not when she threatened me she didn’t] and it’s..........i don’t see her in those terms anymore my whole perception of her has changed. it’s more ‘no she’s the bitch who threatened me’. but like i said.people are gonna do what they’re gonna do can’t stop ‘em. [again living proof right here].
and another part of me.doesn’t want to see her that way.as the person who threatened me. well she’s she’s both..............and whether i want to see it or not the fact is.she is she is both.