Tipsy baking.... in Other shit.

Why are there so many "Thai" women adverts on my shit? Does everyone see the same advertisements or is it like with emails and they try to show you what they think you want?

I AM a Thai woman. I don't WANT one. Geezus.

I'm a little tipsy. Which might not be a great thing right now. Seeing at it's 11pm and I'm NOT done with the teachers' shit yet.

And tomorrow is the last day to get it to them before Christmas.

I'm on my 20th dozen of Pecan Butter Balls. Which is part of their gift. LUCKILY I finished the last handmade quilted ornaments earlier today.

I'm all fucked up in the head over my non-existent relationship with Lion. I made him my everything. And now I have nothing.

I haven't eaten today. I will force feed myself some raw vegetables in a minute or I'll be sick with this wine.

Peppers. Cucumbers. If I have some salad shrimp in the freezer I might have the energy to thaw some out. But I doubt it.

I still have to finish the cookies. Let them cool.

Package them. And package the ornaments. Along with writing all their names on tags.

I will probably pass out somewhere in between then I'll be FUCKED tomorrow.

Because tomorrow I need to deliver everything to the school. I need to deliver some paper flowers to some girl that Salon friend knows.

Then I have to fucking shop for Christmas. I usually LOVE Christmas shopping. And I usually get it done in like 2 or 3 shopping trips.

This will be my second one. And I need to be done.

I'm exhausted. I've been working since I got up this morning. At 6.30 after I got Froggy's breakfast I started cutting fabric right away I never would have finished otherwise.

I miss Lion. I may just have to get used to that feeling. Forever.

I don't know if I can get used to it. It throbs. Like those little tiny papercuts. You know how they throb like a motherfucker? Like that.

Or maybe BURNS is a better description. Because there is NOTHING like a burn. And I've got a pretty high pain threshold for PHYSICAL pain.

My ability to deal with EMOTIONAL pain as most of you can tell is pretty low. I've just had to deal with so much of it in my life. And I thought I was stronger. I think I REALLY was.

I had built a small wall. And I could just be stronger emotionally.

But dammit Lion really makes me feel like.......I dunno. I can't be strong emotionally for him. And he, I think needs me to be. And I just can't.

I am complete MUSH when it comes to him. Not only that when we argue. On the phone. I get flustered as fuck. HE intimidates me and I'm not sure why. But he does. I get scared and tongue tied.

Anyway.

I'm going to finish off this sparkling Moscato. Nothing like sparkling wine.

I could drink Champagne everyday. But I would not be able to function. I don't know how drunks do it.

I have like one glass and I'm ready for fucking bed. MAYBE two glasses.

At Thanksgiving Zia and I both drank one whole bottle of wine. Which shocked me cause neither of us drinks often and we were our damn asses off one minute and the next we could barely hold our eyelids open.

Lion is driving me to drink.

Sob...

He would find that funny. GOD, I miss him. I miss him so much. But I'm not sure what I miss. It's been so long it seems since he's just cared for me. Loved me.

Sob....

Boop.