Ugh. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so the weekend is finally over. I love that I work all day both days but always glad when it’s over because I work at least 10 hours both days and usually make a good amount of money but it’s exhausting. I worked yesterday from 11-10pm and today from 10:30 am to 8:30 tonight. Well, Dan and I had been talking and getting along at work tonight so we went to eat at Perkins. Well there was only one waitress so we just bullshitted for about 45 minutes and then I came home and he went back to our work to get food.

Once we went our separate ways, I got super depressed that all I do is work and have virtually no social life when I’m not working. I miss Dan when we used to hang out and he was there for me. I know that I want that back but it’s not going to happen. I can tell that he seriously just wants to be friends. It bothers me and I know that’s why I haven’t been talking to him at work.

All of this just makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me and it’s scary to think I honestly might be alone for the rest of my life. I used to think that my relationships didn’t work out because it was them but maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just impossible to love and care about. I don’t think anyone truly loves or cares about me and that’s why I live the loner lifestyle because I don’t really hear from anyone unless they need something.

Sometimes I honestly wonder what my purpose on this planet really is. I wonder if my purpose is to pay bills and die because that’s all I’ve done for 2 years. I’m still working to save money to fix my car but it’s gotta be looked at but I don’t trust anyone and I’m scared to death of leaving it anywhere so I’m not sure what my actual plan is.

I know that I can’t be in a relationship because I don’t believe anyone could actually love me without getting bored one day and leaving. I truly believe that there’s something wrong with me because I’ve never had a normal, healthy relationship and because of that, I wouldn’t even know where to start.

So, I’ve decided I’m going to quit smoking in 3 days, I’m actually going to stop Tuesday night and not have any more starting Wednesday. I’ve been smoking for 10 months now and I never intended on it being this long but I’m just sick of buying them, smelling bad, and worrying about what it’s doing to my health/teeth. I also have sore throats daily. I just have to stop. It’s going to be hard at first but I’m going to buy some gum and suckers. I just don’t want to depend on them anymore because I know how terrible the damn things are and I’m so angry at myself for ever starting again.

I just feel really depressed right now and I’m gonna go to bed. I know a lot of it is because I’m tired as hell too.