pain reading in 2015

10:03pm

So I’m having this weird pain in my side, right above my hip, and I was joking with Mom about how it was probably my kidneys protesting. You know, since at the time it started I hadn’t had nearly the amount of alcohol that I usually have. They didn’t know what to do with themselves now that it was so quiet in there and there was nothing to process out. hah.

Although, realistically, I know that the liver does a lot of the work but I’m not smart enough to know where the liver is located in my body relative to everything else. It might even be my appendix that’s stabbing me in the side. But whatever. It was a funny joke. [No. I wasn’t actually serious about not having had enough alcohol] Hope it goes away soon, in either case.

We picked my uncle up from the hospital today. In a weird twist, he actually looked/seemed worse today than all the other days. He’s been in there since Monday after having stopped by our office to tell us that he was heading over to the hospital in town. But they ended up transferring him to the bigger hospital an hour away. They ended up officially starting him on dialysis, which sucks. We thought he’d be able to hold it off for a while longer. It’s been almost a year since they put the fistula in. Buit it is what it is. He wasn’t doing well at all. You could hear it in his voice and of course he hesitated on going to the doctor/hospital. There’s obviously fluid in his lungs and he’s struggling to breath. I’m pretty surprised that they would dishcharge him. He started choking after taking his last round of meds and I’m not sure he can drink water without that happening. He’d mentioned it yesterday too. So that worries me.

Not to mention he’s on like 10 medications and he’s totally unstable walking around. He acts like he’s drunk - standing straight up and then leaning over. My two biggest worries are that he might choke or that he’ll fall over and not be able to get up. He didn’t want to come stay at our house though I didn’t expect him to. His son won’t be here until Sunday and we’re going out of town tomorrow but we’ll take some food and make sure he’s not passed out somewhere.

It’s crazy the way this is happening in almost the exact same way as it did with my other uncle only a few years later. It’s pretty much the same timeline; right after Thanksgiving and right before our season. It’s the same sister-in-law and niece trying to work everything out and make sure they’re ok. Only this time my mom doesn’t have to make several runs to Oregon at the last minute. This uncle is much closer. But it’s so weird to think about how it’s the exact same kidney stuff going on. [Although, I was reading his discharge papers and apparently he’s in end stage renal failure as well as dealing with a failing heart. I forgot what they call it [but in another weird twist, I just started reading a book in which one of the main characters is dealing with the same thing].

I feel this need to be with him through it all. I want to go to all the doctors appointments and the new dialysis appointments and advocate for him. I know he doesn’t ask questions, and he doesn’t remember everything they tell him. I mean, he’s not senile or anything. And he’s taking better care of himself than my other uncle was, but he’s alone and he needs someone to help him out. It just crazy that this is going to happen right as I’m about to get insanely busy at work. I know we’ll work it out no matter what. We’ll manage. But I hope he’s going to be ok. I just want to do whatever I can to make sure he’s ok. [and I don’t know why I feel such devotion to him. He has two sons and at least six grandkids (all grown). If he were my grandpa I would have run to his side the first day, but I’m not even sure they’ve called to check on him…sad…the way people take things for granted..]

Anyway, I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be able to write about all the stuff I want to put into words.

I was talking to Mom today about how I think she should write a book. She has so many stories and has done so many things that I think it would be worth writing down. Also, for selfish reasons I’d obviously love to have those stories written out so I don’t forget them. My horrible memory and all. I asked if she ever kept a diary and/or journal and she insisted that she did not have time for that. So I admitted that I kept one, but that I wasn’t going to let her find it until after I was dead. Then they could publish all my life stories and make me famous. ha. She said it would be pointless after I was gone but I told her that it wasn’t a good idea to read now.

I don’t need my real life people to know about these things. I mean, there are so many moments where I desperately long to share every bit of me with someone. To tell them every single thing and have absolutely no secrets. But then I realize how stupid that idea is. It’s only going to get me into trouble.

The other day I was talking about my empathy. I told her how I could read anyone you put me into a room with. That I knew what they were feeling even when they weren’t saying anything. She laughed saying that she didn’t believe that. And I said she could pick anyone she wanted and I would tell her what they were feeling/thinking. She picked herself and I told her that I couldn’t do that. Which seemed to prove her point. But I just told her that that would only cause problems and that she couldn’t handle my brand of the truth. hah. It’s true though. I wouldn’t want to expose what I think and/or the things that I know she thinks. It’ll only cause more issues between us and I’m not into that idea.

We’ve talked about therapy before [multiple times] and I keep telling her that it’s pointless because that person couldn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I’m too in-tune with myself. I know myself too well. I can already tell you why I’m screwed up and have issues. I can’t imagine some stranger being able to say anything to me that I don’t already understand. Good luck dude. But it’s all old news.

Now, if someone could tell me how to fix it all, well maybe that would be worth it. =|

Ok, well, that’s a little bit of what’s going on lately. I’ll try to type some other stuff up later. I need to go to bed though. I’ve had so little time to myself these days [what with all the holidays and a sudden increase in social activities] that I’m feeling super low on energy and need to do whatever possible to reenergize and survive. I have a lunch birthday to attend tomorrow followed by a posada and also checking on my uncle at some point. Then Sunday is another special early church day over an hour away to visit with the priest and I assume some kind of follow up get-together. Then we’ll see how it goes from there. I’m waiting on packages but at least my secret santa one arrived so I’ll be fine on that front. I actually get to wrap stuff this year! [my favorite task!!]

Bed now.

rose.
11:20pm

Last updated January 14, 2016