I might die (literally and metaphorically) in Musings

I said I wasn’t going to whine about this pregnancy.

I lied.

My stomach always hurts. It’s either gas, nausea, diarrhea, or consipation. My head has literally hurt for over a week. The only relief is sleeping. But my toddler is on day two of her current nap strike. No nap for her=no nap for me. I can never decide what to eat because hardly anything sounds good and the things that do sound are horribly unhealthy. My anxiety has been spiking like crazy. I can’t brush my teeth because it makes me gag. And I just have a general apathy for everything. Even things I love like spending time with Nathan or my work.

And as if all of that weren’t enough, I had a horrible experience with one of my midwives at my last appointment. She said she was surprised to see me back because of all my health issues from last pregnancy. She point blank asked me “Don’t you want to be around to see your daughter grow up?” Who the hell askes that? She went on to say I should consider limiting my family size. I told her this was my last baby anyways (Nathan and I discussed this at length the other day and decided) That did seem to shut her up. But now I’m terrified to give birth again.

I was distinctly told after I gave birth to my daughter that the issues I had last pregnancy (gestational diabetes, pre eclampsia, and bleeding so much after that I needed a blood transfusion) weren’t necessarily going to happen this time. But that they would just monitor me more closely. When I brought this up she rolled her eyes at me and said “Well yeah”

It shook me up more than I want to admit. I lost sleep thinking about dying and leaving my babies motherless. Terrifying stuff.

It’s going to be worth it in the end and I do actually have faith that I’ll be taken care of despite this one lady’s bad attitude. But right now I’m just an anxious, sick, ball of nerves and ready for it to be over