Formal work and farts in Jingle bells, batman smells while shepherds wash their socks (winter 2015/16).

I’m not known for formal work, you know the kind where you turn up looking smart, work set hours and do what is required by the boss. My history of work, apart from 11 years as a nanny and 7 as a childminder which involved going with the flow, pottering around and playing, included picking potatoes and working as an escort (no not that type!) assisting adults with learning difficulties (as SEN was called then) on and off the transport bus to the local day centre. I’ve been a cleaner and a waitress as well as a jewellery shop assistant.

I’ve been working ‘formally’ for almost a year and a half now so have perfected how to fit in farting at work.

Of course, there’s always the toilet but what if someone else is using it and anyway, I only get half an hour break a day added to the nature of my job making it hard to nip out for a wee? So, at lunchtime I monitor the football pitch where two matches are usually in progress, one at each end. There is always a certain amount of cross over but usually in the middle is a gap, a little like space, where no one can hear you fart!

In school, one always has to take advantage of an empty room. Whether you were aware of gaseous feelings or not, a vacant room always requires an attempt to pass gas, if nothing else…

So, for those who are unsure of how to fart in public, the trick is to take advantage of moments alone.