Work. Work. And more work. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I finished my week off with 50 hours. YUP, 50. Last night 2 of our cooks didn’t show up for work and then came later to turn in their shirts and tell us they are quitting. They are 2 of the people who stayed with me. I’m honestly sad that they aren’t going to be there anymore but they didn’t make enough money to get into an apartment and were sick of trying to figure out what they were going to do so they are moving to another state. I’m pissed that they quit on one of our busiest nights and left us completely fucked. We have a bunch of new people so they don’t know what they were doing and the dinner rush got crazy hectic and stressful.

They came over last night and hung out for a bit because they left this morning. I also had a friend I used to work with stay the night so we all visited for awhile. I was up until 3 this morning and got up at 10:30. I’m still tired but I don’t have to close tonight so I’ll be alright. I told my boss I didn’t want to close anymore because it tires me out so she scheduled someone else to do it. I’m only scheduled 38 hours this week but I know I’ll get more because I always stay late and come in early on Sundays. I got to work yesterday at 9:40 am and didn’t leave until about 8:30 last night.

The whole Dan thing. Okay well I plan to just leave it where it’s at. I talked to my friend that’s stayed with me the past couple of nights about it and it just makes more sense to just leave it as we are co-workers and nothing more. Dan had called while he was here and I had asked him to come with me to get a seat cover for my car (my seats are light colored and are getting stained) and he said he would and after I got off the phone with him, my friend said that there’s no way we can just be friends. I know he’s right because I would constantly bug and wonder why we can’t date again. I asked Dan about us ever dating again and he said no because last time it was “miserable” and this just infuriated me.

For him to say that lets me know that he STILL doesn’t have any regard for my feelings and doesn’t care how hurtful that is. It wasn’t all bad and that’s why we had gotten back together several times. I have to ask myself why I would even want to go there again and deal with someone who’s in love with their dog, doesn’t want to have sex, and treats me like I don’t have feelings. I chalk it up to the fact that I’m lonely and I just want someone to want me, I guess.

The whole situation had me fucked up and I spent most of my day yesterday being really down trying to understand why things can’t ever work out. I just feel so angry and hopeless. I know that I do want a boyfriend at some point but if all Dan and I are ever going to be is friends, then it’s not even worth wasting time hanging out with him.

I don’t know, I’m just so tired of being at work so much but it’s the only thing that truly keeps me sane because my job is totally insane. I love how busy it is because it gets my mind off my personal problems and helps me think about everything in a more reasonable, positive light.

Honestly, I know I’m gonna be okay and I’ll get used to working with him but for right now, it’s driving me crazy. I know that I can’t be just ‘friends’ with someone I felt so strongly about because I’ve tried that before and all it did was prolong the hurt and take me longer to heal. For him to say he just wants to be friends makes me feel like he never did really love me and that’s what gets to me the most. I just can’t hang around with someone knowing we’ll never date again and I’m just wasting my time and heart on someone who just doesn’t fucking care.

My problem is I either care way too much or not at all and I don’t know how to find a good balance so things don’t get to me like they do.

I’m gonna go shower.