It Has Been A While...I'm Sorry For That. in Life In The Now.

It has been some time hasn’t it?

After the abortion I kept myself to myself for some time, I believe it was the right choice to make even though at the time I hated it and still do.

On 24th July 2015 my father had an accident and was killed, as I wrote before I lost my mum on 27 July 2013, so during this entire period I somewhat shut down, work became increasingly difficult with a lot of change that I couldn’t get behind for various reasons.

So for a lot of this year I’ve been quite numb, whereas overall I really wanted to improve myself, make myself a better person and be kinder overall, in some ways I did achieve that but sadly I’ve not achieved a standard of consistency I am happy with. Sometimes I slip back into old memories, thoughts and it brings out the worst in me.

In July I turned 30 lol, an age once upon a time I never thought I’d reach and yet I still feel like that teenage version of me in so many ways…but a lot has changed, my perceptions, perspectives and my outlook on what I want in life.

When my father died. I went to London and met my half-sister for the first time in person (we’d spoken for a few years prior on whatsapp etc) that didn’t go as well as one would hope and I’ll never be speaking with her again, for once I can categorically say it’s not me, it’s her and she isn’t someone I want in my life, ever. Blood doesn’t mean I have to be loyal to you or have any connection to you.
Friendship, bonds and those who have been there when it mattered the most, that is what counts, at least that is how I feel and in the end; how I feel about things is all that matters when it comes to whom I want in my life.

On my father dying, it’s fine. He wasn’t a good dad to any of his children, he was still my dad though, so whilst it doesn’t make any actual difference to my life’s day to day routine, it did somewhat rock the boat and so close to my mum’s passing I couldn’t help but retreat into myself and feel more alone than ever. I have my best friends and my aunt though. I know they’re always there; I know that but still it’s just sometimes I have to pull myself out from drowning in my own sea of pity lol.

It has been somewhat of a rough year I guess but it hasn’t phased me as much as one would think, for the most part I’ve blocked a lot of it, perhaps that’s just the old guards coming back, me shutting down because I can’t cope with what’s happened so it’s auto pilot. I don’t know.

All I can tell is that I am okay but I’m in no mood to play anymore, as easily as scissors cut loose threads I can cut people and let them fall from sight.
I’ll not bother to make vows that 2016 is going to be amazing, life has a way of steamrolling through any plans you make so I’m just going to roll with it and hope my ‘planned’ holiday in May goes ahead lol.

I’d like to look at life in 2016 and beyond by the standards of two people whom I follow on here: ‘middle age pearl‘ and ‘browneyes’. There is a lot of hope, optimism, wisdom and to be honest a pleasure I’ve never found looking at life through my own eyes, when I read what they have to say…I honestly wish I could borrow their glasses for a day or so.

Although, reading what they recently wrote actually just reminded me of something, in early December I bought someone at work a Secret Santa gift just because he was going through a lot. I didn’t want him to know it was me until Christmas Day, but he lasted a whole 24 hours and opened the present and card I’d given him lol. I didn’t care because to me it was only Fallout 4 so he’d have more chance to play with others, but he was over the moon and couldn’t believe it, he deserved the break.

When I was at my works Christmas get together my manager gave a secret Santa gift to the same person. I’d forgotten I told Jason (my manager) under no circumstances to tell Tim who gave him my gift because it wasn’t important.
Jason said to me that actually “inspired him” and “thank you” because that was what giving a gift was all about, so he followed suit and gave him a gift as well. I genuinely did not expect that kind of reaction or the follow on act for him to get Tim a gift either.

I’m not going to go into Tim’s circumstances on here, that’s not my place, but he is a very kind guy who doesn’t have a lot and deserved a break, but when my manager grabbed me by the shoulder and said “you inspired me, so thank you!” it was never anything I expected and yeah, it brings a smile to my face now.

I’m glad I inspired someone to do something for nice someone else, I’d like to do more of that.

2015: I understand what it means to do something nice for someone else without actually wanting or expecting something in return, the feeling of actually giving is a unique one and if you’ve never experienced it then all I can say is, it’s a really good one :)

2015 started out rough and toward the end it hasn’t been easy either, but upon reflection.

:)

All the best for 2016 everyone.

G