Ritual in Random Thoughts

I have this idea in my head. I have always wondered about rituals. To commemorate a death and say goodbye, for transitions in our lives, such as becoming a teenager…but not the rituals that we normally know of- but perhaps the use of ritual to move on in some way.

In the past i have thought of this as a religious or spiritual practice, and perhaps it is. I never really subscribed to any spirituality or religion, nothing feltright. Now i am amidst personal transformation and find myself in many different stages of what i heard as referred to as “reveal and conceal”. As in, you “see the light” so to speak (i don’t really know how to explain it), then you get pulled back into the drama of everyday life.

I was thinking as i washed the dishes a few minutes ago, and Death Cab for Cutie’s song Transatlanticism came on, reminding me of that breakup that broke me inside for a long time…well i was thinking that maybe i need a ritual that says goodbye to that melancholy Carmen, the one who had built her essence, personality, sense of self (that is really EGO) on all the hurt, the darkness, the death, and trauma. I am on that path. Maybe not quite there yet.

But i sit here, listening to that song, that whole album, and instead of bringing up the overwhelming emotions, i can look at the emotions and recognize them....but not quite feel as shaped by them.

Its hard though, because honestly, i have been more sad lately than i had in a while. I think its a good thing, though. What i realized in the short journey of being single, is that i used being in a relationship to keep from doing what i need for myself. And all i ever wanted was to do for me. It never worked and broke up relationships. I was so afraid that i couldn’t handle the melancholy.

But, right now is the right time. Its the only time. And i will allow the life to happen as it comes. I have faith.

So. Tonight i head out to a Portland club for their fetish or kink night. My first time and doing it on my own. Ha. I almost feel like i should just stay home and sleep. Watching two movies certainly did not help me feel rested today.

Thanks for listening.