So I’ve lost my best friend… in Actual journal entries

*It’s taken me wayyyy too long to write this. I started this entry at the beginning of the month and it took me this long to finish and publish it.

tl;dr at the bottom.

And damn it’s been a long time since I’ve written in here. I’ve basically gone into creeper mode. I still browse my faves and commenting when I can.

So, let’s get to the title.

Me and Sarah have been internet buddies since I was 16. We’ve gone through a lot together throughout the years and we know each other pretty damn well. We talked about anything and everything under the sun.

And throughout the years, there has been some attraction between us as well. There was a lot of flirting and a lot of feelings we had for each other. From my side, it felt like we were going to be more than friends, one day.

Fast-forward to last September 2014, we finally meet up in person. Nerve-racking as fuck, but after the first 15 minutes, it was like business as usual. You know, because we had been friends for so long, even though it was mostly through the internet :p

She had just become a flight attendant. She was a project manager but she decided that she wanted to see more of the world, hence the career change. Plus it meant that she could actually meet me in person since she was in LA quite a bit.

Anyways, anytime she was in town, we would hang out, grab some food. Essentially go on a food adventure. Usually tried to take her somewhere to get food she couldn’t get anywhere else.

Here’s the fact that we all need to know… During this time that we finally met in person, she’s married. Or at least she was, I have no clue anymore. Before we stopped being close, she was going through divorce proceedings.

During her marriage, she had told me that she was trying to get her husband to agree to an open marriage. Partly to be with me, so she told me.

When that didn’t work, she decided to go through with the separation and divorce proceedings. The only reason she gave for the divorce was that she just wasn’t happy being married. I guess she felt like he wasn’t the one for her or something like that. Didn’t give anything specific reason. Lots of little things. She gave him time to change, but she still eventually wanted out.

My dumbass thought that we’d finally get a chance to try and be together. Then I pushed too hard, she got uncomfortable with me and straight up told me that we could only be friends.

That broke me in half. Someone I loved as a friend, and more, that i could see myself growing old with, gone… just like that. For a bit, I thought I could handle being her friend. Unfortunately for me, that meant putting up with her being on tinder and me hearing all about it. All while she’s seeing guys here and there.

What also hurt was her ignoring me when I just wanted to chat. I’d text her to chat, but she’d ignore me. Yet she’d post on Facebook. This became a regular thing. I felt like she treated guys on tinder better than she treated me, her supposed best friend.

I am the definition of being super friend zoned. Story of my life.

I thought it was a great idea to invite her, as a date, to my sister’s wedding. After the friends thing, i told her that it wasn’t a good idea anymore. I didn’t want to deal with family asking about her and stuff. Figured if we weren’t going to be more than friends, it wasn’t worth dealing with the scrutiny.

Thoughout this whole episode, she doesn’t seem to be getting along with a lot of her friends anyways. Her best female friend wouldn’t even talk to her. Apparently, Sarah’s marriage was her example of what a happy marriage was supposed to be. Opps.

She also wasn’t getting along with her family because of this. Her relationship with her mom and brother was strained because of her desire to get a divorce.

I tried to be nice and make sure she still felt loved. When she was in town recently, I took her out to dinner for her birthday. Was trying to be cute… Took her to grab some lobster rolls and I put a birthday candle on top of hers :p She appreciated it a lot since she didn’t think anyone was going to want to celebrate her birthday.

Then a few weeks passed and my birthday came around. I took my birthday info off Facebook so I wouldn’t get my newsfeed spammed, for once. Plus, I sort of wanted to see if anyone would remember my birthday, outside of close friends and birthday dopplegangers. Surprise surprise, not a word from her. Even texting her to say hi, on my birthday, just to nudge her… no dice.

So, i made a vaguebook like post about it, basically telling her to go fuck herself. Not my finest moment.

After halloween, I finally talk to her. Seems like we’re getting along ok. I tell her I love her, trying to be friendly. Then things get weird.

She was like “stop that. You’ve been saying that a lot and it’s uncomfortable”

Honestly, I didn’t think I had, but ok.

Then she told me her husband is uncomfortable with me being around. This was the last straw. It was weird… first she was telling her husband to leave her alone… Now she’s bringing him into our issues. Just seemed weird to me.

After that, I had to go… I told her that I’d unfriend her and block her from fb and block her number.

Been friends with her since I was 14/15, so imagine how hard it was to cut her out of my life.

2 weeks later, she messages me. I guess i didn’t block her on my laptop. She asks me to be her best friend again. I wasn’t all there so i told her to stay the fuck out of my life. Probably the biggest mistake I could have made.

I unblocked her a week later and tried to make things right. Unfortunately for me, she had her mind made up… Said we can only be friends or nothing. I begrudgingly agreed to be her friend. Just didn’t feel the same anymore.

Then a week later, I texted her a message, apologizing about the horrible things i said and for being a heartless bastard. Also said that if i could take all those things back and be her best friend again, I would. Didn’t get a response back and haven’t heard from her since.

I have to admit, i miss her more than i ever thought i would. I still do and if i wasn’t 100% sure she wouldn’t ignore me, I’d try and get in contact with her.

I hope for nothing but the best for her. I feel like i’ve failed her. That I couldn’t be there for her during her difficult moments. I miss her so much :(

Here i am, holding out hope that we can still be best friends, but that hope is all but gone at this point.

TL;DR: Tried to be more than friends but wasn’t happening. Pushed way too hard on the “more than friends” idea. Couldn’t handle being her friend and being ignored while she’s treating guys on tinder better than me, someone she calls one of her best friends (me). Best friend of 15+ years looks to be gone.

Last updated December 31, 2015