A Subjective Preference for Star Trek Movies. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I actually reread a list I made over ten years ago, and I realized my preferences have changed. This list is completely subjective and isn’t based necessarily on technical aspects. It goes back to whether I enjoy a movie. You know what that means? When you finish watching something and feel satisfied? I know, what a concept. This is why I hate film critics, because it’s like they have no emotions or personal bias. Be bias, damn it, tell me how you feel.

II: Wrath of Khan
Pros: Kobayashi Maru, Kirk dropping Khan’s shields, David and Carol, Spock sacrificing himself.
Cons: The only dig is that the Enterprise is the “only ship in the quadrant.” However, being on a training mission, who knows how far away from Earth they had wandered. What Spock did to save the ship is never explained, but that’s fine because, dude, you don’t need to.

VI: Undiscovered Country
Pros: Klingons quoting shakespeare, Sulu gets a ship, an appropriate send-off.
Cons: Chekov, a security officer, asks aloud why the gravity boots weren’t vaporized.

III: Search for Spock
Pros: Kirk steals the fucking Enterprise, Spock is revived, Kirk bluffs the Klingons.
Cons: Just why aren’t any other starfleet vessels persuing the Enterprise?

I: The Motion Picture
Pros: McCoy’s disco beard, the absence of a traditional villain, porn of the Enterprise.
Cons: It’s not called the Slow Motion Picture for nothing, long spans of CGI.

V: The Final Frontier
Pros: The campfire sing-along, Scotty breaking them out of jail, Kirk confronts God.
Cons: They couldn’t just temporarily assign Kirk to the Excelsior, they couldn’t temporarily assign some marines to help them, Shatner directing.

IV: The Voyage Home
Pros: Good character moments, Spock relearning himself.
Cons: Time travel, no Saavik, no Enterprise until the end.

XI: The Star Trek
Pros: Openning sequence, proper use of references.
Cons: Lense flares, ‘splosions, Spock/Uhura, plot holes (like a cadet becoming a captain on the spot).

X: Nemesis
Pros: A philosophical dilemma on nature VS nurture, ramming the Enterprise.
Cons: They forgot about Lore, Scimitar/Reman backstory hand-waved, battle sequence boring, Data’s death

IX: Insurrection
Pros: A philosophical dilemma on forced migration.
Cons: Riker’s Microsoft Joystick, Plot holes (like where is the admiral’s ship?, why didn’t data in the captain’s yacht just destroy the collector?)

VIII: First Contact
Pros: Actually seeing First Contact, the borg cameo.
Con: Why didn’t the borg just travel to the past somewhere else? If they wanted to assimilate earth, why didn’t they beam down and assimilate people on earth? Why is Picard so angry and out of character? Why did Starfleet not trust Picard only now? Why did DS9 send the b-team? How did the Enterprise get from the ROMULAN NEUTRAL ZONE to Earth so quickly? Why is there no resolution at the end of the film where they return to the present? Why is Data part of the landing party when he’s obviously NOT HUMAN....

XII: Into Darkness
Pros: …I honestly thought I’d think of one.
Cons: Reusing Spock’s death sequence with zero pay-off (Kirk being revived five minutes later), Kirk was never this reckless in TOS, more Spock/Uhura, not enough Bones, Khan (being white, unclear master plan), Carol Marcus (too sexualized, she’s a scientist NOT a weapons expert), nobody notices the shipyard for the not-Excelsior....

VII: Generations
Pros: Oh look audience, Kirk and Picard in the same frame so they can beat up an old white dude!
Cons: Lousy cameos from random TOS cast, lame ONLY SHIP IN RANGE trope when they’re IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM. Why did Sauron kidnap Geordi? Why did he ask him about Trilithium when he had ALREADY BUILT HIS MISSILES? Why didn’t Riker rotate his goddamned shield harmonics when shit started going through them? Why didn’t Picard go to an earlier time and punch Sauron in the face? Why didn’t Kirk go “Oh. I can leave?” And then PREVENT HIS OWN DEATH BACK ON THE ENTERPRISE-B. Imagine that double-climax as Picard saves a planet by punching an old dude in the face AND we see Kirk live. WHY ARE THE UNIFORMS INCONSISTENT. Why are the Duras Sisters picking a fight with the Enterprise, anyway? If Picard came back to the present with Kirk, then where is the Picard that entered the Nexus to go get Picard? And since they prevented the nexus from taking Picard and going to get Kirk, then how is Kirk there? Oh, fuck this script, George Lucas could do better....

Last updated December 30, 2015