Dying Unto Self in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

Tonight finds me beyond tired for so many reasons. Mostly it is due to my fourth round of medication changes in six weeks. My body is feeling defeated, my mind like Swiss Cheese and my personality still remains like Jekyll and Hyde more often than not. Relief surely is on the horizon for this can't go on much longer, having already exceeded all norms. I've been through a string of medication cocktails to no avail, except the luxury of sleep while knocked out cold, leaving me unable to mentally function purposefully for 18 hours, or during the next course of one week, the inability to sleep for days at a time.

Those are simple facts, not complaints. Having been here before and will again serves to remind of the grace, mercy and remission I've lived the past few years. Documenting this episode as objectively as I can will allow me to review what occurred this time and better see the symptoms of an ending remission the next time. My charts of activities, med lists, sleep and contact records I keep accurately as possible in hopes of narrowing down the pharmacology issues rapidly.

Writing has been near impossible after I've given my remaining focused time to my Bible reading, meditation and discussion. By the time I finish I have no capacity for lengthy concentration for hours or days at a time.

Two things are on the back burner that I don't feel should be, but at this time I see no sound way of re-directing with out problems. Weeks ago, maybe longer, I lashed out at a friend in a verbally violent way. Bitterness had grown in me for years through deeply rotted flesh and now wormed into my friendship as well. To address the present meant addressing my past, which I felt afraid to do, and so remained stuck in an old destructive dance. I behaved childishly, and cursing like a enraged adult, slammed the door on both parts of my life.

Since then I knew nearly immediately I had more wrong with me than just one unrelenting issue with my friend. Something deeper provoked a steady stream of undesirable thoughts and behavior. Worse, I had hurt a person who had reached me more than any in years. There was friendship present and I beat it to death like a snake that was trying to bite a baby. I am not such a person, normally.

I have understanding now that I had lacked, yet I have no excuses. Maturity and love should have been enough to refrain me from such ugliness, but I tried to be in control rather than surrender to Jesus. As I lost self control I denied nearly all responsibility and gave the worst of myself to an undeserving friend. The worst for me though has been the depths of suffering, a living hell for my actions. I hurt a friend, a fellow Christian, an equally valued creation of my merciful Father, and I have felt my brokenness by the pain I placed in God's heart. I broke God's heart and without question redemption was not in the cards, I had gone too far this time.

As for my friend I have delayed, uncomfortably. Likely I appear to remain aloof and judgmental and though appearances shouldn't matter, the friendship does. I don't have confidence in my stability to approach this and not risk even a slight mood swing, confounding our separation needlessly. Less than a week passed when I began wanting to ask forgiveness, but this wasn't the first time I broke a promise to try harder and messed up. I blew off the charts to irredeemable and felt time was necessary, as if it were going to prove me more sincere. The measure of time waited is irrelevant.

The right thing to do is, now that I've cleared my heart and repented of my spiteful and bitter ways, go to my friend, offer a humble, heartfelt apology, ask for forgiveness and state my wish for reconciliation if that can be in our future. I have received God's forgiveness, though it took what felt like forever before I relieved myself of His higher station of authority, accepting His love never changes, and in turn forcing self-forgiveness to the front burner.

Too much time has passed and my heart is heavily burdened to make contact, briefly, to say I'm reaching out asking for forgiveness and reconciliation. I've committed grievous sins against God whom I love and a friend I care for. What I have left is my hope in God's word, and understanding I must make my amends promptly and let God lay the cards where He will. It is on me only to right my wrongs.

" And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."