I walk a fine line. in Since OD is shutting down....

Christmas has been actually pretty decent. I drove my car that I bought back a month ago to my parents house. I took them all cards with some money, a box of chocolates for my Mom, a bag of cat food, dog treats and some beer. We had a great visit and it was a lot of fun. We even hung out in my little brother's room and watched him play Guitar Hero. I feel really bad that he wants to get a job, move out, and get his license but my Dad does what he can to prevent him from growing up. I try to tell him to call me when he gets down. I just feel like he's really lonely for social contact outside my parents house. He told me he feels like his life is never gonna go anywhere and it broke my heart. I just don't know how to help. The whole thing makes me really sad and angry. I feel terrible because there is nothing I can do. Ugh, so frustrating.

My brother actually came for a bit too. It started snowing pretty hard so we left mid afternoon so we could get home. I had to get gas first because I don’t want to park my car with no gas because it’s got enough problems, I don’t want to make things worse and then I came in and showered. My parents are in foreclosure so they are now selling their house to get into another one that’s about a block from where they live now. They have about 5 months to figure it out before they absolutely have to leave the house they are in. I’m really frustrated that they STILL can’t pay their bills and I really wish they’d grow the fuck up, especially because of my little brother being there and for their animal’s sake. I am so just so tired of them ALWAYS being in some kind of financial mess!!!

I have my niece tonight and she loved her presents. I bought her a new tablet and she can’t leave it alone!! I have to take it away soon though so I can get her to bed because I’m supposed to work in the morning but if I can’t get out of my parking lot, I’m not sure if I’m going. It’s looking really shitty outside and I’m not going to even attempt to get out if the snow gets any deeper. She has really been sweet tonight and I’m glad to get her, even though one night a week isn’t enough.

So, It’s been 2 and a half months since I’ve returned to our good location and I couldn’t be more grateful. I am so glad to be making decent money again and was able to afford to buy my car back and get Christmas presents. I will remain forever grateful that they’ve allowed me to return but this 6 days a week thing is really starting to get to me. I’m scared she’s going to make me close and I really fucking hate that. I had to do it Monday and just wanted to flip out. I honestly know I work way too fucking much and I’m just really sick of having to be there so much. I’m really sick of all my co-workers and having to be around them EVERY FUCKING DAY! I’m still annoyed that I paid my friend/manager for a fish tank and still don’t have it so I plan to say something on Sunday. I’m going to be very nice but tell her that I either need the tank or I need my money back. If she thinks I’m just going to forget about it, she’s fucking crazy! I’m sorry but $50 is a lot of money and it’s bullshit that she hasn’t said EVEN ONE WORD about the tank so I’m not sure if she thinks I’m just forgetting about it or what but I just don’t want this to end up some kind of shit storm either.

I also have another problem. I have an old co-worker that I’ve told he could come stay with me for about a month because he’s getting kicked out of where he’s at because the people he lives with don’t pay their rent. Well, he quit where we work to go to this other place about a mile from where I work to make $14/hour so I’m kinda confused why he can’t just afford his own place. I don’t really know if I’m into this idea simply because I’m so anal about all my stuff and I’m not really ready to give someone a key to my place. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of someone moving in, having a key, and being here when I’m at work. Ever since I had roommates before and it ended up a fucking shit show, I’m just terrified of going through that again. I had so much shit come up missing and broken that I just know that if that happened again, I’d completely lose my shit.

He was talking about moving in today but I guess he has until Monday to figure something out. I honestly don’t think he really wants to stay with me but merely keeps in touch with me as a last resort. This hurts my feelings entirely. I’m probably just going to tell him my landlord has to come fix a bunch of shit and I’m not sure when he’ll be here to do so and I am not allowed roommates or something. I don’t know this guy well enough to just let him move in and every time I’ve asked him to come over, he has some excuse. I’ve wanted him to come over so that we can be on the same page with things but he’s not available to do that and I’m not comfortable letting someone stay until that happens.

I walk a very fine line between wanting someone to live with me or wanting to be alone forever. I think it would be very comforting to have someone to talk to when I get home, to eating dinner with someone, even watching a movie with someone before bed but every time I let people stay, it ends up a big disaster. I also want it to be someone I KNOW that I can stand too. I know that I’m really not ready for a roommate and have to worry about what’s going on in my home when I’m not here or worrying that they are snooping or if there’s people here that I don’t know. After what happened 8 years ago with my live in boyfriend cheating on me with my roommate and my neighbor and how much shit walked off, I honestly don’t know what it’s going to take for me to open my heart up enough to take that chance.

Another issue I have is I LOVE being single. I absolutely love that I don’t have to worry about someone cheating on me, someone getting bored with me, someone up my ass with a broom, not having to worry about someone abusing me or using me for my bank account but there’s always that part of me that knows I don’t want to be single forever but I don’t want to do what I’ve done so many times before of just settle for some broken piece of shit that just has way too many issues of his own just because I don’t want to be single. I think I have a lot of issues within myself to even attempt a relationship anyway. I honestly DO NOT TRUST MEN and don’t know what it’s going to take for me to ever even try.

I honestly worry that from being on my own and living by myself for so long that I’ve just become so independent and self reliant that I don’t see myself ever expecting too much from anyone, especially men. I know that I’m probably gonna do it all my own whether I’m in a relationship or not because it’s all I’ve ever known. This is my life, I’ve been trained to look out for myself and take care of me. I’ve never even had a guy come around that made much effort to prove that he would even attempt to take any of my burdens off me so I can breathe, but they’ve always done what they could to further complicate my life.

Sometimes I tend to think that I’m just too fucked up to really let someone in. I think I’ve just had my heart broke too many times to think anyone that comes along isn’t just going to hurt me. They always say that there’s someone out there for each of us but I don’t believe that’s true for girls like me. I’ve been told I’m too independent and I’m not crazy enough. Well shit, being crazy takes a lot of energy that I just don’t have. I’ve honestly given up trying to find someone. I’m done with CL because it’s always just the same guys that respond and none of them turn out to be anything more than a fucked up asshole with a hidden agenda.

I just looked outside again and I’m honestly hoping I won’t have to work tomorrow. I’m so sick of fucking being there as it is so I wouldn’t be terribly heartbroken if I didn’t have to go. I’m gonna get my niece to bed and pass out. I am so fucking tired.