First Entry: When The Pain Began in Ultimate Randomness

I guess I should start out writing about when the problems truly began for me. The problem is, I can't tell you an exact date other than about 3 or 4 years ago. I do know when it started though. It started when my wife told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. It came as a total shock to me. I mean, I felt that everything I did in my life was to take care of her. I was working two jobs, one of which I absolutely loathed. I supported her when she first went back to school and was out of work for 10 months. I worked as hard as I could to make sure that she and our ever growing menagerie of pets had a place to live. Was I as affectionate as I should have been? Probably not. I was under extreme stress all the time. My boss was always on my ass and anything I did wrong was one step closer to losing a job, and thus, us losing our house. But I always believed that, no matter what, my wife knew that everything I did was for her because I love her like no other and that I always had someone who loved and believed in me. So if you have ever had the person you love tell you that they no longer love you like that, no matter all that you had done, you probably understand how I felt at that moment. And every decision I have made since that day has made things go from bad to worse. At first, I made the mistake of thinking that the problem was just sex and that letting her get out and explore her wild side might ease whatever was missing inside of her. That ended up leading to relationships with other guys, J and W in particular. Then I convinced myself that if I let her pursue these relationships that maybe whatever she was not getting from me would be fulfilled and she would see how much I loved her by what I was sacrificing for her happiness. All I have accomplished at this point is years of anger and frustration on my part, because no matter what I have done for her, it is never good enough to make her happy. She ultimately has no idea how much I love her and unfortunately, it is now at the point that she has no desire to be with me anymore. She is my one and I screwed it up.