too fast and too real and no. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

um. idk. but i do. i’m tired so tired. well i’ve also been up since 2 a.m. so. so apparently he left us last sat. which was the day i got back. he left us almost a month and a half after my grandmother did. i didn’t find out till Tues.
um. evan hasn’t been much help. and so I’ve gotten at Muriel. right now it’s like I’ll talk to anyone who’ll listen. it’s like please someone listen to me cause this is really hard. i mean yes i’m on my period but either way. it’s too fast and too real and i don’t want it to be. no. i didn’t want to today to happen bc of the service bc that would makr things real when i wasn’t ready. I know people at the service probably were sad but they didn’t express it much. i didn’t either. people have their ways their different ways.
The last thing I want to do is eat. but i’m like no cmon. and I tell myself i don’t have to eat a lot but i do [well i should] ‘have’ to eat something. i want people to bring me food. like actually bring it to me lots of it. maybe that’s overdoing it i don’t know. it can’t remove the pain but it can sure as fuk help. i want mashed potatos which is funny as i’m tired of potatos. but i don’t feel good emotionally. i need a fukin drink my god. not that i should esp. not right now. i haven’t had one since the wk. i left for my vacation. but damn. i want cuddles and hugs and just. i don’t know. the only thing i can think of to do in this entry is circle talk about how hard this is. or music i mean quote music.lyrics. yes those. cause sometimes. when i’m going through something. music’s my extension. like i don’t know. on my own total eclipse of the heart.
i want people to care. well erm they do. but i want them to say something to me instead of acting like this isn’t going on. well my fb friends really. instead of me going to them. cause that seems like a lot of work right now. and it’s hard when you feel like the world doesn’t care. but ya know it’s like kermit said. maybe you don’t need the whole world to care maybe you just need one person. still hard though.
um. my.......the guy i consider my grandfather. He like I’ve said was wonderful and apparently the people who knew him agreed. one of his daughters talked about his singing he loved to sing and how devoted he was to his first wife and the songs he liked. and his love of the mountains. and how devoted he was in general. um. yeah but that’s the problem. not the devotion i mean that’s not the issue. is bc of the kindof person he was he did care. Although i didn’t know him well. but you don’t have to know someone well to know who they are. And the thing w/ people like him and like pat is that if they were here they would help us w/ their. leaving. But see that wouldn’t work bc. then they wouldn’t have left. i don’t know if that makes sense or not.
Yeah when his daughter talked about him and music that’s when it got hard for me. bc i love music. Pat loved it more than i did. and he really knew how to listen to it w/ his entire soul. i don’t know anyone who loved it more than he did. you could feel just how much.........his love was v. powerful. Music really was one of his greatest loves. and his friends and his devotion to them. i’m a lot like Pat and apparently also my grandfather. I remember when my maternal grandmother left us a little over 4 yrs. ago it was hard. [well it usually is]. No i mean bc we were alike. it’s like i lost a part of me too. and she liked music too but most do. and i didn’t listen to it for 2 wks. after. cause you know it was still new. i don’t know if i’ve ever written that.
Pat was. so deep and he really music it seemed was such a part of him a part of who he was. i thought about him today more than usual.
i’m going to spend the rest of my life missing Pat. he was one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met in my life. and that’s another sad thing. he was so beautiful and compassionate and nice just a genuinely nice guy. and he. but he had this sadness about him. i wanted to help but i......... his sadness turned to drinking and it’s the alcohol that took him. [well and the anuerism]. took him away forever. i think when we lose someone one of the things we miss is their physicality. well i do. he had so much sadness and so much pain and so much beauty too. and depth. The interesting thing is. the alcohol is what ended the pain. and then created more for him and for us. he left so he’s presumably not in pain anymore. but we are. and yet i still drink. and yet i’m still fukin here which is really.astounding. and i almost wasn’t once. and i just. it’s interesting that i am. i’m a 28 yr. old woman who at one point in her life didn’t stop drinking monthly for 2 months. he’s now a guy in his late 40’s who. well the amount according to evan he drank scares the hell out of me. and quite frankly worries me.
um.