depressed in New Diary

Bad night I feel very depressed an anxious. I can’t sleep. Been listening to CNN about the terror attacks in California. Every time something like this happens I watch it on the news. I get upset but can’t break away from it. Then I get depressed and feel very paranoid That was really terrible what happened and I can’t get it out of my head. Why does this shit have to happen? How can people get a hold of so many guns and ammunition without Jesus. We are living in a sick society

Also more important I had a little tiff with Chocolatechip. I really feel bad about it. I hate it when we do not get along. It is all my fault. Same ongoing problem that we have always had. I don’t know why I am the way I am I really don’t I never was much of a talker or a conversationalist My social skills do not exist. I try I mean I really do try Really feel bad that I can’t give her what she needs, somebody to carry on a decent conversation. Sometimes I think I am a lost cause and will never be able to change.

What scares the shit out of me more than anything else is being alone and I’m afraid that I will end up alone being a bitter lonely old man,. That sucks big time. Jesus I’m 64 years old My family does not want me I have no friends other than my fiancé I lose her I have nobody

I need to straighten myself up or I will lose it all.