Wah! in Everyday Ramblings

An urban scene here, this is the courtyard at the Portland Art Museum. I walk by here a number of times a week, including last night. The trees are spectacular even as we turn towards winter. After another big downpour we are having a break in the rain. It is cold for us though getting down towards freezing.

Those of you who have been reading me over time know this is without a doubt my least favorite time of year. I’ll be fine this time next week but I struggle mightily with the blues in late November.

I was heartbroken to find two dead finches on my patio late yesterday when I was bringing the food in. The crazy show of them must have been too much for a neighborhood cat. I am not going to stop feeding them but I will very much be on the lookout for anyone of a feline persuasion. I think it was a gray tabby I saw midday yesterday lurking around across the building parking lot up the hill.

A couple of days ago I was startled half out of my wits by a crow with a broken wing.

And on an early morning walk I saw the river rescue team bring in a dead body. It was bloated enough to make it hard for three hearty paramedics to push the gurney up the boat ramp.

It is all this and the news, which I have only skimmed, but am still affected by.

And the cold. And the dark.

S. is coming home this weekend from her trip to SE Asia. I have missed her and can’t wait to hear about her trip. This has been a particularly lonely month for me for a number of reasons.

It is hard not to beat myself up and tell myself that if I had just tried harder I would have people in my life to hang out with and chat about the day and maybe even help with adorable little dead bird removal.

I am certainly not going to try online dating with the prospect of disfiguring dental surgery in my near future. Sigh.

My Buddhist counselor told me I could call him anytime to talk things through so I am glad at least to have that. But it is not the same as having the easy companionship of friends and lovers.

I heard a podcast interview by a Christian counselor the other day talking about the dark night of the soul, what that really means. His theory is that we have to be pummeled by life to find a way to be vulnerable so that we can open our hearts to the one all pervading love.

He says no one is talking about a life without discomfort or difficulty but that in spite of this we can be centered and loving and give of ourselves.

The yoga practice I did yesterday was all about grounding oneself so that we can feel stable both in the body and emotionally.

My energy level is actually pretty good but I am weary.

I think this is why people take proper vacations.

One of these days I would like to be one of those people.

One year I even ran away to Paris during this week to see if I could beat the blues.

They came with me.

But still I had an amazing and interesting trip and don’t regret having gone at all.

Especially now. I have those memories. And for this week in the present I just need to muddle through. :)

I do in fact have a great deal to be thankful for. May the finch pair have an auspicious rebirth. Even adorable birds have to die sometime. It is the work of the warrior goddess to accept things exactly the way they are and I surely could use her help right about now.

If you run into her, could you put in a good word?

Last updated November 20, 2015