Empty and full in Musings

I found out through my brother that our cousin’s wife is pregnant. I’m not sure why he told me. It was a secret my cousin revealed to him because they are best friends. And they are going to officially announce it at Thanksgiving.

I should be happy for them. It’s their first one and my aunt and uncle’s first grand baby. But instead I’m insanely jealous.

The timing is just so messed up. My period is due on Monday so if I am not pregnant I’ll be on my period while I’m there secretly mourning my empty uterus while celebrating her full one.

It is some kind of crazy cave man, primal level jealousy. I never thought I would be like this. Especially since I have a beautiful daughter and I’m so blessed to have her. But this chick is 6 years younger than me and literally a foot taller. She’s going to be so cute as a pregnant lady too. The kind that looks like she swallowed a basketball.

Instinctually or not, I’m not sure I ever wanted anything more than to have this second baby in my tummy. I know women struggle with infertility for years and years and I have the utmost respect for them to be able to hold themselves together. This is only our second month on baby number 2 and I feel I may go crazy at any moment.

In the meantime I have 27 orders to fill before Christmas. 27!! And a lot of those are orders with more than one item. I have zero time to feel sorry for myself.