The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up in Magical Realism

I’m in a funk and it’s lasted long enough that I think it needs to be documented. I gave myself a year of being gentle with myself, indulgent with myself, and now it’s past a year and I know what I need now is some tough love. I know the past year was a tough one, but I got through it and now I need to snap out of it.

It’s like the scar from my surgery. At first I was just so happy that it was something manageable, something I could cover. I got the bangs cut and the (huge, awful) wound started to heal. I was so happy to look normal and to be able to go about my “everyday” life. I got through the grueling work busy seasons, and a packed schedule of international travel and competitions, and the wound finally healed. I’ve grown out the bangs and now I’m an ordinary looking girl again, but now with an ugly scar. In this year I’ve had a lot of success, so many sparkling moments throughout, but have found it so hard getting through the “in-between” times. A person can endure anything except a succession of ordinary days, right?

So far I’ve had a good track record with the extraordinary days, but my ordinary days are generally failures. Too many mornings sleeping in and choosing a post-work HIIT and/or yoga class instead of swim team practice. Too many dinners of double-stuf oreos and a double shot of vodka. Too much time watching maudlin music videos online with a glass of wine. If I don’t plan anything at the weekends, I don’t leave the house. My closet is not organized. Too much online shopping. Too much drinking in general. After competitions especially, I like to reward myself and the reward always includes alcohol. I know I am obnoxious when I’m drunk, which isn’t cute. I feel pudgy and unfit and unorganized.

I’ve been so lucky to do so well in my first year of competition, but to truly hit the level I would like, I need to train. There is no excuse. I need to get my ass out of bed and to practice, at least 4 mornings a week. I need to continue yoga 3x a week. I need to focus on swim practice as my primary goal, but eventually want to add in HIIT classes too, maybe 2-3x a week. I have the time for this. I can do this. Just need to snap out of it and MAKE myself do it.

With a good baseline of speed training, I will be able to actually race in the cold water, not just coast like I’ve been doing. Looking at video of myself from this past weekend in Latvia, I’m embarassed. I did well but look like I am barely moving my arms. I can do better. I WILL do better. Consistent training needs to be paired with good nutrition, including moderation with food and alcohol. I need to organize my life and stop flying by the seat of my pants constantly. I need to get in swimming shape, clean up my nutrition, get in general shape, clean out my inbox, clean out my (literal) closets, and start racing fierce again. So much in this world is beyond our control, but I can control myself at least. Need to focus on something positive, and this is it.

Last updated November 17, 2015