PS, I Love You in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I don’t know what I’m writing about. I have been sick for days. I kept it together enough to work over the weekend, but I’ve totally collapsed when it was time to return to school. Whatever, my classes are bullshit. I don’t really care about all that mess.

I had a nice long conversation with Richard last night. There was just one thing, this lingering awkwardness. We’ve barely talked since I left Los Angeles. Since that night we declared our love to one another and had sex. There was this unspoken tension between us and it stemmed from that. If I’ve ever had a conversation that was loaded with subtext, it was that one. He wants to move with me to Palm Springs where we could just work and exist.

I think that’s why I had such a hard time in Palm Springs. It’s so far away from everything, it’s like living in a dream. Whatever is outside of PS doesn’t even exist. You’re just drawn into la vie quotidienne. Nothing else matters besides what is right in front of you. Maybe that is what I need, to live in a dream for a while. To find myself in the midst of the desert again with someone I truly, deeply love.

He’s got a serious boyfriend but this boyfriend isn’t like any of his previous boyfriends. The biggest change is that he’s not black. Richard notoriously dated exclusively black men for the better part of a decade. There was two Hispanic men tossed in for good measure, but after I left, he found himself a bear who flips houses for a living.

In some ways, I don’t even recognize him any more.

Despite my illness, I wasn’t going to miss my chance to make friends at work, so I went to the work party. It was odd and I left to go hang out with TJ, my friend from Paris. I was hoping we could commiserate about the situation in Paris which frightened me very much, but when I arrived, he had already passed out. But his friends were very happy to see me. It was quite amusing to realize that even without TJ, I know all of his friends at this point and we get along.

I woke up the next morning next to TJ in bed, he wasn’t surprised by it, and then we hung out for a while and then headed home to crash into my illness.

My feverish dreams took me last night to Palm Springs where Richard and I made love on the hammock in the hot sun. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily… life is but a dream.