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LoveSuicide

Pussygrits ... story time! in Just another day in Paradise...

Nov. 17, 2015, 12:16 a.m.
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I suppose the title warrants an explanation.

Eh, maybe. Eventually.

Sing Me A Sad, Sad Song

So! Weekend shenanigans, right? Cause that’s what every weekend should be.. so Thursday night I got a call from Steve and he wanted me to pick him up at the airport and give him a lift back to his place to surprise Sam. He wasn’t supposed to fly back until Friday, but surprise, so of course I said yes.

Well, when he got in the car, I asked him if it was a good reason he was coming home early since his work shifted his entire team from the Gulf Coast region to the Atlanta-based region of the Home Depot.

Sam ended up losing her job with Rubbermaid due to company cutbacks. I was floored, and she was devastated, so Steve actually got the okay from his new boss to expense an early flight home. He’s such a good dude.

Sam was miserable at the job, but they just bought the house, and she’s gonna lose her company vehicle and .. gah. Terrible things happen to great people.

Friday night they decide to go out to Karaoke. I’m down, though my throat was tickling me like a sadistic clown with a feather, but I’m hardcore so.

Now, the week before Sam didn’t come out with us cause of a diet and she didn’t want to drink. Steve didn’t drink that night cause of solidarity and strength in numbers.. Or. Mostly cause he’s married to Sam and has to.

Well, I was curious if they were gonna drink. Oh yeah. They did.

And, uh, the price was paid! More on that later.

Don’t you love a good teaser?

So I head over to their palace and we end up riding together. The bar we go to is hit or miss on karaoke nights, but we go cause Joey is a badass KJ (karaoke jockey, I find it funny.. until you get a crappy KJ then you’re like I NEED DECENT MUSIC and you miss the fuck out of Joey) and very current. Joey owns a bar here, and actually was the first dude decades ago to bring karaoke to New Orleans. He toured in a band in his youth. Dude has pipes.

Oh, and fuck you to everyone who rolled their eyes at me not knowing what good music is… you know who you are. :)

I say that with love.

Anyway, so..

My Ambitions As A Rider

We pile into Steve’s Jeep and head out. During the course of the car ride, Steve decides to ask me about Caroline. AKA pussygrits.

Now, before you get offended or misunderstand me or some confluence of the both she actually likes that name.

I. Know. Not. Why.

So, backtrack to her visit from the Great White North that is Canada and I was cooking a variety of dishes for her local to New Orleans and the Gulf Coast region of the States.

One dish I adore is grits.

If you hate grits, you’re broken, and you may skip ahead. But first, consider repenting your obvious deep-rooted sins. Confession is for sinners, yall.

Anyway. So I decided to try and explain to her what grits are. They’re ground corn, basically. She hadn’t had polenta which is the easiest comparison. She decides she’d like to try them, but I added cheese and garlic to make them garlic cheese grits which while not the best way I’ve made them are pretty fucking stellar.

Carbs complete me. le sigh.

So, later that night after she had the grits (and they were fantab, by the way) Ian and Meredith came by and we played games. At one point since it was Halloween we discussed what everyone’s favorite candy is..

If you said anything other than candy corn, again, repent, but that was actually several people’s choices.

It came up that Caroline’s name here on ProseBox is KittenCorn. I think she just threw two random words together that she liked? Anyway, I ended up calling her.. pussygrits. Cause. KittenCorn. PussyGrits.

Okay, no further explanation needed.

And Ian actually had Starbust Candy Corn with him and brought it out. It hasn’t left my kitchen table undisturbed since that night. FUCK YOU STARBURST FOR RUINING FLAVOR.

Just. Not. Good.

Anyhow.. Caroline got me back that night we went to Karaoke without Sam and with Steve sans alcohol. She had Joey put the song “I’m Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO on my list and I didn’t know it.

I sang it. Well, if you count sounding like a cat in heat staring at a monitor howling words in random non-musical patterns (I didn’t know the song, deal with it) singing then that’s exactly how I butchered that ‘song’ ..

Let’s Do The Time Warp Again

So. Back to present day. It’s Sam, Steve, and I driving in his jeep on the way to karaoke with Joey and Sam and Steve freaking pepper me with questions about Caroline and do I like her and all other preschool nonsense. I mean, seriously?

My friends like to see me squirm.

And we’re just really good friends, people. Great friends can happen. Honest!

So, I’m pretty adept at saying a whole lot without revealing anything. I’m also quite good at steering the conversation away from subjects I don’t want to discuss without much notice, but Sam and Steve are like fucking bloodhounds. I got the subject switched four freaking times and they still went back to it.

However, at one point I mentioned that a lot of Louisiana was settled by French Canadians. Hence why we have Acadian everything down here. You ever see those crazy Cajuns on Swamp People on History Channel? Or the crap movie that Sandler made called Waterboy? Cajuns speak French because of the French Canadian settlers who realized living inside ice isn’t as pleasant as in a swamp.

Yeah. I said it. I wouldn’t advise booking any of those original settlers as travel agents though. ICE. Too cold. SWAMP. Too humid. Fuck it. Home.

Sam was confused. She’s not from Louisiana, so she’s still learning a lot of things about here. Steve didn’t have a thought either way. She was like no the French settled Louisiana. I was like, no, they settled New Orleans, but Louisiana was settled by a swath of frozen-then-thawing Canucks.

She freaking Googles me and says nope, D’Iberville settled New Orleans.. so we had a long debate about who settled Louisiana even though we both were agreeing. I agreed with her NOLA was from France, but Lafayette and much of the rest of the state by Canadians. Anyway, eventually we got on the same page as she realized I didn’t mean “settled” as in first to settle but as in who settled larger regions.

I drew the analogy that Louisiana wasn’t like Oklahoma where people all bum rushed the state and picked a plot of land and decided the middle of nowhere would be ideal all at once during the land rush (hence the name Sooners) ..

Sam said, well, it’s more like they robbed the Native Americans of the land than settled it. I said, well, yeah, they land raped the Natives. Everyone did. We have plenty of Native American names down here, Sam. I brought up Atchafalaya, Tchoupitoulas, Pontchartrain, etc.. she laughed.

She mentioned she knew a lot of Native American names, too, and how to pronounce them given where she grew up like.. Fondelac (I don’t even know how the hell that’s spelled) and Sheboigan (again, I don’t care to Google these, deal with it) and I said..

“Fondelac sounds like the land of pedophiles.”

Laughter.

Steve responded to me, and said, “Actually that’s likely more the pedophiles Cadillac it’s the Fondelac.”

And then I replied, “Yeah, the Sheboingan is his go-to move. It’s a pedophiles closer.”

Laughter.

Steve said, “Or it’s like whenever he sees a kid and reels ‘em in he yells Sheboingan!”

I said, “Like when you get Bingo!”

Okay, we’re probably terrible people, but that’s how we ride.

I’m the GD reason you in VIP, CEO you don’t have to see ID

Okay, so I shortened Goddamn into GD cause that’s how we have to do it around Sam. Years and years ago when I first met her, the very first damn night at Karaoke of all places I like missed a pool shot and said “Goddamnit.”

Sam hauls off and slugs me. Hard.

Girl can punch, trust me. She’s kinda scary. She could kick my ass easily. Anyway, I was like … what the fuck? By the way, fuck is okay. Fondelac and pedophile jokes are okay. But saying Goddamnit is bad. Steve and I argue with her all the time about this, cause saying GD is fine, too… wtf? Anyway, we try to explain that we’re not cursing the Lord, but rather saying we want God to actually damn something.. but, she has a vagina, so logic didn’t work.

I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

Logic still didn’t work though.

When I Think About You I Touch Myself

So, Joey knows whenever we show up he just loads us up into the Queue to sing songs. He knows we’ll sing, and his job is to keep the bar entertained, people singing, and Sam and Steve are very good singers. Steve especially. If he wouldn’t kill me I’d post him singing, but I value life and not eating from a straw.

I ended up singing, uh, oh the bar was freaking packed. We walked in to this really drunk trio of guys singing Queen. That was.. hmm.. fitting given some of them. Haha.

Brian’s Friday the 13th of November Setlist:

“A Lifetime” by Better Than Ezra

Better Than Ezra is my favorite band. They’re from New Orleans. And I adore that song.

“Let Her Cry” by Hootie and the Blowfish

Hootie was my favorite band growing up. We discussed how Darius Rucker has transitioned from HTB into Country music stardom when we were talking about Taylor Swift in the car, and Steve was like Brian you should sing Hootie. I hadn’t listened to this song in years. Bad idea.

I was awful, though Steve said I sounded good, but that song is so good and eh.

Here’s where shit gets real..

Last week I got ambushed and made to sing LMFAO, right? I go up to sing, and .. it’s not the song I had picked, so usually Joey just loads a song we’ve sung multiple times in the past as he has a Folder for each of us that he knows well.

The song that queued up was not any of those.

Then Sam shows up with her phone recording me. They hate being recorded, by the way, and yet.. CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL.

It was..

“I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls

Okay, I actually knew that song, but again I’m a sports guy so I don’t listen to random music from the past as much and I was literally between singing stanzas telling the my friends to get up and sing with me. They did not. Bastards. So I mocked them to the audience every chance I could. I got into the song though, and really emoted it at the end.

If it didn’t make everyone highly uncomfortable I’d be surprised. And disappointed. Both.

I looked at Steve directly for a while and sang “I Touch Myself” the chorus over and over and Sam eventually yelled, “Stop trying to have sex with my husband! You’ve been trying for years!” Everyone else was like whaaat? Until I said, “True dat.”

Haha. I don’t want penis, though, thanks. But yeah I’ve always joked around in a gay way. I don’t have the sense of style to be gay. I love gay people.

pussygrits, by the way, got Sam to record the video, and I didn’t find out until later when Sam said she sent it to Caroline. I was like, well that makes sense. Wait, how the hell did you send it to her? Cause apparently they’re FB friends now. Joey then pipes in and says, yeah she asked me to do the song. I was like how? Oh, we’re friends, too! ....

Whatever.

That video won’t ever see the interwebs. Thank me for that. You eyes and ears would.

Steve, after I sang it, walked over to me and gave me a bro hug and said, “Dude, you’re a really damn good sport.” I asked why’s that. He said, “Cause if one of you ever did that to me there would be blood. Not mine.” I believed him. We call him Wolverine for a reason.

Final song was… my closer.

“It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi

I always get a lot of compliments on that song, so there we go. I may have sang another, but this entry is giving me carpal tunnel already. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?

Last Friday night // Yeah, we danced on tabletops // And we took too many shots

So I was good after drinking a couple beers and a mixed drink. I gotta lose some weight so drinking less is ideal, but at some point Steve decides we need to do shots of …

Buffalo Ball Sweat

What the hell man? I was fine, but he’s like “You ARE doing this shot.” Okay. I am. haha.

What is Buffalo Ball Sweat? Other than disgusting? And awful? And disgusting?

Southern Comfort and Tobasco Sauce.. both Louisiana brands.. and fucking horrifying. It ends up hitting you with that whiskey kick in your mouth and then you kinda taste the flavor of Tobasco scorching the insides of your mouth until the cauldron of burn travels and stays within your throat. I literally shoot it then hop around like an idiot.

Shut it for those of you saying doesn’t Brian do everything like an idiot?

Probably.

Moving on. Clarence and Tiffany showed up in support of Sam! Which was great to see them. Tiffany and Sam do Tequila shots and they got fucked up. Fucked up.

I ended up at the bar to close my tab when Tiffany is like, “Be awesome Brian, never be mediocre.” Cute, thanks, I’ll try. She’s great, though, haha she’s a teacher. Rough work weeks. Then she says she wants another shot.

“Uh, Tiff, isn’t that two Tequila shots in front of you?”

“Yeah, but one is for Sam.” She sad faced me!

“Well, why not do that one and see how you feel..? You sound like you feel good.”

“Sam doesn’t want me to have more, but she’s good, I’m not.”

“No?”

“No, do a shot with me, Brian, I know when I am not good yet and I am not good yet.”

Oh boy, so I’m frantically waving at Sam to come save me and monitor Tiffany, and uh, waving wildly at a toasted person in a smoky bar doesn’t work much I’ve found but my dumb ass did it anyway.. and Steve comes over.

Hooray. Cavalry.

Steve hears this and says, “Oh, more shots? More Buffalo Ball Sweat, bartender!”

Whaaaat? No no no..

“You’re doing the shot with me!”

No no no..

I look at the bartender, and I think she was deciding, then she looks at me and kinda grins wickedly, and says, “Two coming up.”

Traitors everywhere, I swear to GD..

After we do it. After I hop around angrily at my taste buds molten. Steve says she makes the best BBS ever. Which, I guess is something a gal wants to brag about am I right? … yeah.

So I asked her name, and she said she was Amanda.

“Amanda, do you think there’s something wrong if tonight was delightful?”

I smirk at Steve. I have my two limit rule on Delightfuls as you well know..

She said there was nothing wrong with it.

Steve then goes into a diatribe how it’s not the word itself, but how I say the word delightful it’s just very gay and ruins everything.

“Oh, so now I am ruining a whole word for you?”

“YES! And you’re down to one!”

Amanda ended up agreeing with me (ha!) that a night can be delightful and I didn’t even use jazz hands.

As we were leaving a very drunk moment happened, but things got smoothed over by my vagina.

Okay, back to that.

Some of them are hairy // Some of them are bald // Some are kinda scary // And this is what they’re called // Vagina!

So, I’ve been accused by my friends at times of being girly, and one particular friend recently has decided to tell me I actually have a vagina. Don’t worry, she’s got penis envy, so I’m pretty sure we’re even since I don’t bleed and I can pee without squatting. Anyway.

When I had one of my major surgeries I ended up having to have open chest surgery to find out why I had gone septic and to save my life. A staple had ruptured inside me. I would eventually years later be opened up again. Open chest surgery and recovery sucks!

However, when it happened, I cleaned and dressed my own wound. It was more efficient. It looked.. like a vagina. So I proudly told my friends I have a “chest vagina.”

So things were kinda tense on the ride with Sam and Steve to IHOP to meet Joey and his wife Felicia for late night breakfast food. I hadn’t been to an IHOP since Katrina hit and we evacuated to San Antonio. Well, things were tense, and so I went full Brian soothing mode.

I destroyed the silence by saying, “I actually have another vagina now, I’m told.”

Steve said, “Other than your chest vagina?”

I said, “Yup, a friend now says I have a real vagina on the inside. Like a vagina soul.”

He said, “So that makes three.”

“Huh? No, two. Chest and soul vagina.”

“I say 3, cause you’re probably either building another or smuggling it somewhere.”

I had no witty retort. Damn.

We got to IHOP and waited outside and parked verrrrry carefully since 5 State Police cruisers were parked outside. They left and then Joey and Felicia showed up.. we went inside.

Maybe we can sleep in // Make you banana pancakes // Pretend like it’s the weekend now

Joey originally didn’t want IHOP cause he said the last time they went Steve threw silverware at Joey all night. But they’d just been to Waffle House and fuck Denny’s, cause, well, Denny’s. So IHOP it was. Sam argued that she was there when Steve threw the flatware at Joey, but Joey said this was a different time.

Yes, Steve throws utensils at people that often.

As we entered, the place was cleared out like a zombie raid was imminent, but no such luck. I think the cops had everyone at bay, cause ten minutes later and the place was half-full.

I immediately went to the bathroom to wash my hands, come back, and Joey’s got two knives, two forks, and two spoons in his hand and he looks at me.. “You see this?” … Yeah … “This is what he threw while you were gone for 30 seconds.”

Oh boy.

Gonna be one of those nights..

So Steve had his silverware confiscated, we ordered, and I enjoyed what I had, but the pancakes were the worst part. The eggs (over easy, cause sunny side up has white slime and no), hash browns, and country fried steak were decent.

Let’s be honest though, after Buffalo Ball Sweat in me twice, most things would taste good. Just not Pancakes from the International House of Pancakes.

Steve immediately asks for more silverware, so we instead gave him back his to use.

Waitress leaves.

Steve tries to open the salt shaker and pour it on us. Then instead throw salt at us as if we are hexed. Then I mentioned something about Joey and Steve turned to throw it again at him, instead he threw a spoon at my head cause I asked to take the hit for Joey. haha. I had to, I shouldn’t have brought up Joey again to the deluge of forks being thrown..

Waitress returns.

You know how a server walks up and asks politely, “Is everything okay?”

Yeah, she did that, but we just had wrestled the maple syrup from Steve literally right as she turned the corner and asked that.

I exclaimed immediately in a very earnest voice, “No! It’s not okay!”

Everyone died laughing and we had to explain Steve to the waitress.

She understood and smiled, and as she’s leaving he goes, “Can I get a steak knife?”

He had an omelette haha. She understood and said they were out as we all yelled no at him. He’s such a five year old sometimes, lol.

We discussed a variety of things from the 10,000 Syrian refugees being transported to Louisiana to the terrible tragedy in Paris to the Ronda Rousey fight the next night and how the Saints and Tigers were doing.. great night.

As we were leaving, Steve swiped a set of utensils off a table nearby and slipped them into Joey’s pocket as we were outside. He respectfully sighed then returned them. Joey treated us to the breakfast. I have a wonderful group of friends.

Steve ended up just driving me to my house, and I’d just get my car the next day since we were going to watch the LSU game then the UFC Fights at his place anyway.

This has been the worst November in Louisiana Sports History. My Saints lost both games, the Tigers lost both games, and the Pelicans won only 1 game so far.

It hurts my heart, but such is the way of sports. At least Steve and I’s high school won our playoff game. We play Joey’s high school this weekend. Should be wild.

I’m gonna knock you out // Mama said knock you out

Ronda Rousey losing to Holly Holm was an iconic sports moment I will never forget. Ronda’s had a hell of a life, and she and Holly got into it over silly nonsense, and people who don’t follow MMA are making a big deal out of Ronda not touching gloves with Holly.. uh, Ronda hasn’t touched gloves to Miesha Tate, Beche Correira and a couple other fighters before this. This is not new behavior for her, but a consistency in who she is when she feels affronted or offended. It makes for great sports theater. The only difference is more people actually watched the fight this time and are making some issue of her not touching gloves.

Ronda and Holly are there to sell a fight. I’ve seen guys before a fight call out each other in deplorable ways to make the public hyped to see the fight only to hug afterward. Had Rousey not been taken to the hospital, I think she would have put the belt around Holly Holm’s waist. I don’t know for certain, though. Would have been great to see her reaction, but she was busy being knocked the fuck out.

Holly Holm was tremendous. She outclassed Rousey who had never even been really challenged before. It was stunning. Can’t wait to see the rematch. This is good for women’s sports and women’s fighting specifically. Ronda without a true rival would make a path in blazing glory, but then who would fill her place when she exits? Now? She has a rival already before she’s done.

I’ve followed MMA for 10 years, and Steve’s a far more avid student of the game than I am. Sam trained MMA. Steve thought Holly had a small small outside chance. None of us expected domination. I was glad to share that moment with my best friends.

Song of the Moment: Stitches

You watch me bleed until I can’t breathe
Shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches
Tripping over myself,
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I’m without your kisses
I’ll be needing stitches

Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread,
Gonna wind up dead

I wish I could write like that. Gah.

Alright, you crazy kids go out there and have fun.

Hug life hard. It’ll do something back.

May you always find your smile.

Last updated November 17, 2015

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