sorry this is such an unedited ramble in furious, fragile, and free

i’m so, so overwhelmed.

it’s november.

i can’t focus on my future — which is what i need to be doing — because i can only see the swamp i’m standing in. between massive projects, trying to pass my classes and running a newspaper, i can’t think of myself much less internship applications and setting myself up to meet the right people to employ me.

i can’t focus on anything.

all i can do when i come home is binge watch on netflix because that at least drowns out everything: the feeling that i’m not living up to my expectations or others expectations, that i’m not making a real difference as editor in chief, the feeling that my staff doesn’t like me or that i’m just trudging through this semester like i have every other semester without putting in any real effort; the feeling that nothing is changing, everything is wrong or unfulfilling.

i have a lot of moments where i think, if i could go back, i’d tell myself not to apply for editor in chief. it’s such a burden. and i don’t feel like i’m making a difference. i feel so isolated. my newspaper is off in its dungeon (literally we’re located in a basement) and i don’t have any support.

is it really worth the stress i’m putting myself through? my grades are suffering. i have no friends beyond the people i hired and my roommates.

its not just work — it’s how hard my classes are and that i have barely started this massive, massive project that i need to not only pass this class but get my degree. it’s my other classes that i barely know what’s happening in because i either don’t show up or don’t care or both.

it’s the fact that my mom and my best friend don’t understand how difficult this is. it’s the fact everyone in my major keeps saying “i’m so stressed” “this is such a hard year” to each other but without really bothering to understand each other. it’s like we’re all just complaining at the same time without listening.

and i need someone to listen.

i keep telling myself that i have to power through. i just have to figure it out and do it. power through. but the responsibilities keep piling up and right before i go to bed, i find myself looking at travel blogs and reading about how people got up and sold everything and became nomads.

maybe that’s what i want more than a career.

in the meantime, deep breaths.

power through.