Headache. in Since OD is shutting down....

Things are going ok minus being tired from work and not having enough me time. Dan called me yesterday and was just being a raging prick. I was trying to tell him how I felt about the whole sex thing and he told me that I was ‘drama’ and ‘playing the victim’ which made me absolutely furious. I didn’t know that telling someone calmly was being dramatic or I was trying to play any part of being a victim but I just hope to God he loses my number and I can forget about him.

I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone who’s made me this angry so early in a relationship. Seriously, I was so mad yesterday that if he would have been here, I probably would have punched him in the fucking face. It is absolutely insane how mad this person has made me on different occasions and I’m just so glad we are where we are now because I definitely don’t need the headache. I have plenty of problems as it is, I don’t need an extra one.

There was 3 major problems with Dan. The 1st one is communication. I wasn’t allowed to have opinions or feelings if they differed from his. Anytime I would try and tell him how I felt, he would immediately get defensive and he’d break up with me. I need someone who understands that I’m not always going to agree with them and can’t always hold my tongue. I was so tired of him telling me he was in it for the long haul but the minute a problem would surface, he’d fucking bail.

The 2nd was the dog. He is absolutely infatuated with that fucking mutt and a lot of the time, I felt like I was just in the way. I was so fucking sick of the dog coming with us everywhere we went and he’d got better about the dog sleeping between us so the dog would sleep on the end of the bed by our feet but by morning, the dog would be between us again and I honestly think Dan would move him once I fell asleep. I’ve talked to numerous people about this and they said that anytime they would have someone stay over, they would have their dog sleep on the floor. Everyone felt that this was pushing the line and so did I but if I said anything, he would come unglued. No bueno. I honestly couldn’t stand the dog and I’m pretty sure I would have hated him even if Dan wouldn’t have been so obsessed with him being around.

The 3rd thing was money. He just couldn’t grasp the concept that I couldn’t just blow money like it grew on trees. Just because he had an SSI check and his parents to help him, he didn’t understand that I have to earn every dollar I make and if I don’t pay my bills, I don’t have the luxury to ask my parents for help. It was really frustrated and maddening when he’d wanna go eat somewhere but I’d have to pay for it. I’d either pay for myself or for both of us, he never paid for my food and if he did, it’s when it was super cheap. I had to spend $40 on dinner the other night and I was absolutely sick over this because I NEVER spend money on stupid shit like that, especially that much money. I also got sick of having to buy energy drinks when I have a case of them here at home all because I wasn’t home to get one. He literally blows money like a college kid who just got their financial aid. I also got irritated because it’s like he didn’t listen to a word I said about how broke I was and all my bills were behind because he would still ask me to spend money on him!!!

And yes, I do blame myself for this shit because what you allow is what will continue. I let the shit happen because I was always so tired and I knew if I said anything, drama would be waiting for me. There was no getting through to this guy about his dog, money, or my need to spend time with my niece and I was sick of feeling like I talked to a brick wall.

My friend from our other store called yesterday and I told her what happened. She said that it was his loss and he’s going to miss out on something good. I appreciate that but I can’t try and make this work anymore. My brother and his girlfriend said that things are like this because both of us have been single for so long and are being stubborn. Well, I get that but I also spent way more money and made a lot of sacrifices for this to work and it was just a waste of fucking time. I am never gonna do this shit again.

I’ve discovered something about myself throughout this ordeal. I am actually a very selfish person when it comes to my money and my time. I like having time for myself and not always being around other people. I don’t like to constantly spend money, especially on other people. I also love sleep and can’t stand going without it for other people because they always prove they weren’t worth it. I spend $100 a month on cable, internet, and Huluplus and I’m never home as it is to use this shit and when I’m with Dan, we couldn’t ever hang out here and watch movies because of the fucking dog.

I have learned that I’m better off just being single because I don’t see myself finding someone who can put up with my shit. I know that I’m not perfect and need a guy that can handle a strong female. I’ve always let men walk all over me and I can’t do that anymore. I know who I am and no one is going to change that. I like who I am now so people can either accept that or they can move along. This is who I am, nobody is going to change me into what they want me to be. That’s what he tried to do that it wasn’t happening.

Anyways, I’m getting ready for yet another day of work. Next day off is Friday again. I’m so fucking tired and scared that I’m going to run out of Adderall before I get more because if that happens, I’m not gonna make it. I know I’m tired and it would be really nice to have one day where I can just lay in bed and sleep.

Omg yesterday this guy that I work with (that I’ve had a crush on forever) called me beautiful! He said it like it was my name. It seriously made my whole night but he has a girlfriend so yeah lol

Time to eat and lay down for a little bit before I have to get dressed for work.