nails on a chalkboard in poetry

What if you could convince Freddy to kill you with gold bars
then pull them out of your nightmares to get rich quick?
You could destablize the entire precious metals market
upending significant portions of the world economy
just by out-smarting a wisecracking dream killer!

What if you were a magician and all you had to do
was pop an Ambien
dream up a rabbit and then wake up like that
so you wouldn’t even have to hide it
in the false bottom of your hat?
Just trick that idiot Freddy into
conjuring up a cat and suddenly
you’re not in trouble when the pet went missing
at the place you were lazily house-sitting?
Fred-hacking fixes so many problems
the ease is almost scary.

Don’t wanna go to work today?
Dream up a clone
put one over on the Fredster
then make the other you do it!
Mail order husbands-and-wives?
Shit, son
SLEEP ORDER GROOMS-AND-BRIDES
Just dupe old Fredward Razorhands
and literally get your dream-partner!
Your literal dream woman
your literal dream man
just out-smart the murderer
have a good plan.

Of course, you’ll have to be smarter
than Johnny Depp to do it but
he was in the WILLY WONKA remake
after reading the script to it so
gold bars for everyone.
Geena Davis at twenty-nine for everyone.
Just Fred-hack the dream net and
then have some fun.