Snooping in Side Effects

After going through therapy, I tried to close that dark blurry circle that was my first marriage. Part of the closure, was deleting my two stepsons from facebook, and cutting off contact. That hurt....a lot, to realize they were not my kids, no longer under my care, no longer my responsability, that I should only worry about my own daughter.

To be honest, I don’t know if I’m discovering the truth, or if I’m just plain paranoid. But I think my ex husband milked how much I loved the boys, to make me feel sorry for them, and always give in to whatever they wanted. Even when we were already divorced, his excuse to be behind in child support for Chelsea, was always because the boys needed something. But shouldn’t it be equitable? It was ALWAYS the boys over Chelsea, and, as much as I love them, Chelsea also matters.

Recently my heart crumbles a little inside when I have fond memories of Chelsea playing with her father and brothers, and I want to grasp onto that. But in general, he has been so irresponsable. It just breaks my heart to make this decision, or removing parental rights. Then I look back and I remmeber what a freeloader he was. He never wanted to get a job. I even offered to PAY him to stay home so he could finish high school, and get a real job, but he refused, saying he didn’t want me bossing him around. And now he complains that he is poor. He is that way, because he wants to be. If he got a job, he wouldn’t be poor. it’s the same sob story I’ve heard for the past 10 years. 10 fucking years and he hasn’t changed one bit.

I did the unthinkable and went through the kids’ facebooks. They are in highschool and although they are so grown up and look like strangers to me, I look closely and recognize their eyes, their smile. I wonder what their memories are of me? What is their image of me? Should I care? How can you just shut a child out of your life? I can’t for the life of me completely shut them out and forget them, and they are not even mine. How could Edie be so irresponsable towards Chelsea? How is this possible?

I’ve paid the lawyer, signed papers, in a matter of weeks, possible we will be in front of a judge. The judge decides, and then it will be final. I can’t eat, can’t sleep. Am I doing the right thing? How will I explain to Chelsea? How will his family react? Do they even care? How will HE react? Will he try to kidnap Chelsea like he sometimes claimed he would? Would he harm my parents like he always threatened? Would he harm Adrian out of anger? Would he hurt himself? The suicide rate here is insane. I just feel so much weight on me.

I never saw this coming