Selfish in A day in the life...

I’ve been told I’ve become a very selfish person....that’s it’s all about me now. I don’t know, maybe it’s true.

It started because I didn’t send my dad a birthday card (his birthday was October 13). I’m pretty bad about stuff like that. But I did call him first thing that morning and had a nice long chat with him and, of course, wished him a happy birthday. I also posted a message on his Facebook page.

Before his birthday my sister had told me that instead of going in together and sending dad a gift, which we always did in the past, that we should each send him a card with a heartfelt letter in it telling him how much we love him and how much he means to us. And that we should definitely make sure he gets it on or before his birthday, not after.

I admit, it was a nice idea. I also admit that the fact I didn’t send him a card was not nice of me. Here’s the thing, though: the thought of sending him a card wasn’t the issue, it was the thought of sending him a letter gushing about how wonderful he is. I don’t have a lot of good memories of my father growing up. He was emotionally and physically abusive. The physical abuse ended when I moved out at 18. The emotional abuse continued until I was in my 30s and finally stood up to him. Pretty pathetic that it took me that long, huh?

But understand, my dad is a very different man now than he was back then. I think marrying my stepmom chilled him out in a huge way. The only thing that hasn’t changed is that he can hold and nurse a grudge better than anyone I know. And that’s how this whole I’m selfish thing started.

I called my sister this past Saturday while I was in Indiana visiting relatives and having my epic yard sale with granny (more on that later…it wasn’t that epic). The day before I had sent Stacey (my sister) pictures of all the decorative salt and pepper shakers I was selling to see if she wanted any of them, and she did. So on Saturday I called her to tell her I would be mailing them out when I got back home (which I did) because I hadn’t been able to make it to the post office that day and the next day was Sunday and I was leaving. She said that was fine but she sounded a little offish. So after a few minutes of small chat she asks me, “Did you really not send dad a card for his birthday?” Now the only way she could have known that is if either my dad or my stepmom had told her, so that’s exactly what I asked her, did dad and Pam tell you that? She said yes and then proceeded to lecture me. A few highlights were that they (they? it was my dad’s birthday, not Pam’s!) were SO hurt, and the fact that I didn’t send dad a card just proved to them that I hadn’t changed much since starting therapy (a mere 5 weeks ago). I started to get pissed, told Stacey I was hanging up, and did. I got three text messages almost instantly about how I’ve gotten so selfish, it’s all about me now, I never ask her how she’s doing, and maybe we shouldn’t talk for a while. I said fine by me.

Of course this exchange had me crying and livid, livid at my stepmom (who I found out is the one who told my sister). So I called her and left her a voicemail that if she or dad has a problem with me then they need to address it with with ME and leave my sister out of it; that I don’t want or need lectures from my sister, who is far from perfect, as we all are; and that if they’re hurt that I didn’t send dad a card for his birthday, then think about how I felt when they couldn’t be bothered to call me the entire 10 days I was in the hospital. Then I hung up. I later got a text from my stepmom telling me I had better never rave at her like that over voicemail EVER AGAIN!

Piss off. I didn’t scream or cuss at her. I was angry and you could tell by my voice, but there was no screaming or cursing. I told her exactly how I felt. And, more importantly, I’m a grown woman and I’ll do what I want and neither she nor anyone else is going to tell me what I can and can’t do.

All my life, and I do mean ALL MY LIFE, I have put everyone and their wants, needs and feelings above my own. ALWAYS! Now that I’ve been properly diagnosed and am finally receiving the proper psychiatric treatment and therapy, maybe I have become a little selfish because now my life is about taking care of ME. And I guess when you go from putting everyone else first to putting yourself first, people look at that as you being selfish. I’m not trying to be selfish…I’m not! But honest to God, right now I don’t have the time or the energy for anyone else’s drama or issues right now. I have enough of my own to deal with and if I don’t deal with them, I’m going to either end up back in the hospital or in the grave.

My grandma told me I’m not selfish at all. Her words were, “No you’re not selfish....you’d give someone your arm if they needed it!” And she’s right. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for someone who was in need. But right now I’m in need, and if I don’t take care of me and put me first, then who will?

Selfishly yours,
Amy