School shootings in Chunky giblets

WARNING:This will, once again, offend many of you. If you’re one of them, TOO FUCKING BAD. This isn’t a “safe space”. This is satire. If you are easily offended, or just a whiny fuck, you probably will want to stop reading right about now. This is your only warning.

School shootings are one of the greatest weapons in an IRL troll’s arsenal; causing a victim to shoot up the school is a prime example of winning the internet. Can YOU beat the high-score?

While the participant is unleashing all of his teen angst on the faculty of his place of education, the benefits are not just solely for himself.
The event not only creates HUEG amounts of IRL butthurt and shame, but much drama generating OL potential from relevant livejournals, blogs, myspaces, etc.
Nearly every good school shooting ends with the assailant receiving massive troll’s remorse and promptly becoming An Hero.

School shootings began in the 11th century AD, when 16 year old Brenda Spencer of San Diego, USA, opened fire with a rifle on an elementary school across the street from her home, killing 2 adults (including the principal) and wounding 9 students. Police surrounded her home and waited for 7 hours until she gave herself up. When asked why she did it, Brenda replied, “I don’t like Mondays”, which basically translates to “I did it for the lulz.” Adding to the humorous impact of the event, she explained further. “The children were standing around like cows. It was easy pickings.”
Later that year, a pop band from Ireland called The Boomtown Rats released a song called “I Don’t Like Mondays.” It was a #1 hit in more than 30 countries, but didn’t do so well in the USA.
Since Brenda Spencer invented the school shooting in 1979 others throughout the 1980’s and 1990’s also partook in the IRL Trolling in their own special ways. But it wasn’t until the year 199somethingorother when Reb and V revolutionized this school tradition by killing themselves after the massive Pwnage of Columbine High School. This meant that no more depressed Emo kids could simply just commit suicide to kill the pain, but now they could become an hero after an epic Pwnage of their fellow students.
Columbine gave way to a swath of copycats, and as any dumb ass knows the copies are just not as good as the original, and for a long time, came nowhere close to the high casualty count of Columbine . What followed Reb and V’s Epic Win was a bunch of pussies using shit weapons, not high enough body counts and certainly no suicides, so nobody really gives a shit about them.
Fast forward to one of the 2000 years with the butt rape of Virginia Tech by Seung-Hui Cho culminating in the highest score ever awarded a player.

STYLE TIPS
Remember, no Russian.
Call 911 and pretend to be Yakov Smirnoff/play Rickroll or Interior Crocodile Alligator to clog the system.
Plan your event to take place on April 20th.
Make sure to bring a change of underwear, warm clothing and a towel.
Make an effort to suggest Russian involvement or a secondary shooter from the grassy knoll.
Leave the corpses in humorous sexually suggestive positions.
Perform Necrophilia with said corpses.
Bring a friend to share the fun.
Smear fæces over everything.
Become an hero.
If you can’t get motivated to start a school shooting, listen to Nine Inch Nails and play Counter Strike (1.6 or Source, your preference) at the same time.
Watch the movie ZARDOZ, and base your entire shooting rampage on that film. So when you attack your school “exterminating the brutals” while wearing a red diaper, bandoleer and hooker boots screaming the “The Gun is Good, The Penis is Evil” at least we all can get a kick out of the lulz that will follow when the media bubble-heads try to make sense of it and blame a shitty 1974 Sean Connery movie for your rampage.
Learn how to fucking aim, remember 3 shots center mass, or do the Mozambique Drill which is 2 to the chest 1 to the head.
Better yet, do not use guns because that just gets all the anti-gun faggots crying, be a man and do what Timothy McVeigh did, you will get a higher kill count too.
????
Profit!!!
(And for Christ’s sake, if you’re planning a school shooting, don’t talk about it on 4chan, like Trey Burba did. Half the fucking world saw it, and he got B& both OTI and IRL.)

Tryhard Tips

Plan ahead; don’t just wake up one day depressed an angry. Doing so will result in an epic fail, like Kip Kinkle.
Use a practical caliber, such as a hollow point .45 ACP or a .357. However, if you are stuck with a 9mm, then make sure you perform the Mozambique Drill.
If you are using a rifle, make sure you use something like a .30-06, .308, 5.56, 7.62, etc. Shotguns are very deadly, and contrary to what video games tell you, can easily put down the kids fleeing at the end of your long school hallway.
Also, if you are using a shotgun or rifle, make sure it is a reasonable size. Carrying a rifle/shotgun the size of an 18-wheeler is a bad idea, so saw them off like Reb and Vodka did. This will allow you to maneuver with them much easier.
Don’t use a fucking .22, unless you are sure you can hit every person in the head, which is highly unlikely.
DON’T USE A FUCKING .22!
Use hollow-point bullets. This will cause them to expand on impact, greatly increasing the chance of death.
I CAN HAZ EXPLOSIVES!!!??? Yes, fucking Google how to make a pipe bomb or Molotov cocktail. Even you can make one.
Don’t get too close to students or teachers that are in groups. They will try to play hero and disarm you, again, like Kip Kinkle. Keep your distance, and keep firing.
Bring a shitload of ammunition, like Reb and Vodka did, if you plan on spraying randomly for the lulz. Otherwise, pick your shots wisely.
Barricade the exits.
Keep a couple bullets in your sock for yourself to become an hero. Do not give up or get caught.
Watch your back. Some pussies will try to disarm you and ruin the fun just for a fucking national medal.
Keep a sidearm. You do not want to get caught empty handed.
No survivors. Do your best to make sure the people died don’t just injure them.
If you can make sure the media do not blame Vider gamz for the cause.
Finally, make sure you DO NOT tell anyone, unless it is your lover that wants to do it with you and will not snitch. Do not get caught; have your guns at the ready before you enter the school.

Achievements

So many school shootings have happened over the years that it’s time to spice things up a bit. Instead of the usual strategy of just “kill all the jocks and then turn into an hero,” this guide will help any aspiring Columbine copy-cat reach new levels of lulz. Since a school shooting is obviously just a game, here are some extra sidequests, if you will, to aim for while unloading all your angst into your peers.
Hail Xenu: Kill in the name of Scientology
Mama’s Boy: Make someone cry out for their mother
Music to My Ears: Get ten screams at once
School Spirit: Wear school colors
Gentleman: Spare women and children
Good Choice: Have second thoughts about the whole thing, but go through with it anyway
Well Endowed: Lie about gun in your pocket
Arabic Executioner: Behead a target.
Tell Me Where it Hurts: Kill a school nurse
Race Card: Kill a minority
Skinneeeer!: Kill the Principal
Thomas Edison in This Bitch: Shoot out a light
Zoology: Kill three classroom pets
Last Supper: Buy lunch for your friends before starting the rampage
Dumbass: Tell a friend about your school shooting plans a week in advance
Keep it Organic: Do it while high
Legalize This: Kill a stoner
Would You Like Seconds?: Begin the rampage during lunch
Down With the Clowns: Kill a juggalo
It’s Getting Hot in Hurr: Start a fire
Billy Joel: Deny starting said fire
Yippee Ki Yay: Spout movie quotes
Slam Dunk!: Kill the entire special ed class
Mystery Meat: Kill the lunch lady
Lucky You: The person you wanted to kill the most is home sick that day
Fuck The Police: Kill a hall monitor
Double Kill: Kill a pregnant girl
Here Comes the Sun: Kill while listening to upbeat, unfitting, and completely ironic music
Cupid: Kill a couple as they embrace for the last time
Social Experiment: Make someone kill their best friend in order to save themselves
Fairer Sex: Kill only women
Why So Serious?: Crack a joke before killing someone
Big Game Hunter: Kill gym teacher
Milkman: Masturbate while killing
Leaving So Soon?: Shoot someone’s car tires out as they attempt to escape
Save You for Later: Shove someone in a locker
Bill O’Reilly: Fuck it, do it live!
Good Will Hunting: Kill while solving math
The Social Network: Update Facebook status while on the rampage
If You Pull it, They Will Come: Pull the fire alarm and pick people off with your gun as they run out of the building
Show and Tell: Begin in the middle of class
Cha-Ching: Steal fifteen wallets
E=MCFUCKYOU: Force someone to solve life-or-death math problems
New Guy: Do it at a school that isn’t yours
Pizza?: Order pizza while on your rampage
Godlike: Force ten people to pray
Lemonade Stand: Make three people piss themselves out of fear
Lumberjack: Kill someone with paper
Monkey Man: Pull the trigger with your toe
Van Gogh: Make painting with a student’s blood
Halloween: Wear someone’s face
Free Point: Have someone kill themselves out of stress while you’re on your rampage
Macgyver: Get ten kills without a gun
What Goes Up…: Push someone out of a window
WhatTheFuckium: Mix chemicals in the chem lab and create a deadly new toxin to be used on the school
Fender Bender: Start the rampage in the parking lot
(/b)ackup: Recruit a shooter while on your rampage
Who is Spiderman?: Go to school the next day unscathed
Crush that pussy: kill your crush and then shoot her in the vagina
That’s why!: leave a note saying why you started the rampage (you can lie)
Take that faux!: Engrave Jack Thompson’s name onto someones body
The needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few: Your kill count outnumbers your injuries count
Hut Hut: Use a football to mutilate a jock’s face until he cannot be recognized
KIMCHO: Dance to K-Pop whiles you shoot people

Last updated October 26, 2015