March 9th in The Wonderland Years: 2013

‘‘9th**

It’s Complicated is the name of a movie with Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and..........uh..........the dude from SNL.......Steve Martin [there we go]. Um. I’m once again in love. I don’t care about him - [oh ‘him’ being Evan, the guy who I know through Pat. actually I met him before I knew Pat. aka ‘Patrick’ aka ‘Sage’. again, same.person] - .the same way I care about my ex. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care.because I do. He’s............wow. Evan’s just. lovely. really, he is. I realised last night that I’m in love. And the odd thing is I actually don’t know much about him. I know he’s 27, lives downtown, birthday’s June 21 [Midsummer]. I feel like I’m missing that part................the. I.er. I want to know more about him. I feel like I’ve known him forever. Evan, that is. As he put it, we have an ‘emotional connection’. yes, Def Leppardly [that was Patrick’s thing, for whenever he agreed with something. Instead of ‘definately, he’d say ‘Def Leppardly’. it’s cute. and when he really agreed w/ something, he’d go ‘Def, Def, Def Leppardly’........ oh and on that note.........I really like Def Leppard. I love ‘80’s stuff. and rock. and ‘80’s rock.........ok, so anyways].
Evan is. um. he’s, interesting. No he really is [I’m defending myself since, sometimes when I use the word ‘interesting’ I don’t actually mean that.]. He has the same thing I have, schizoaffective disorder. So it’s really hard to be around him sometimes, since he’ll ‘go places’ [in his mind]. and then start ranting. Mainly about his ex Olivia [love that name]. From what I’ve gathered they were together for 3 years and then they broke up and, apparently. he’s not heard from her since. He’s not over her. well I mean I’m not over my ex either. obviously. My perception of time has changed, for various reasons, and so because of this I feel like it’s been longer than it has since the breakp. Today actually er. I mean it’s been exactly 2 months since my ex and I broke up. That’s really all I know about what went down between Olivia and Evan. Whenever he mentions her he’s always ranting always.upset. Which I don’t like simply because of that it has nothing to do with him. But at the same time it helps me get to know Olivia. who I’ve never met. I’ve only known one Olivia my entire life. it’s not a name you hear often.
On the one hand Evan’s almost to the point in his life where he’s almost got everything together. But on the other............he’s stuck in the past. He’s failing college. don’t know much beyond that. It’s weird to be in a relationship with someone you don’t know a lot about. I mean we talk. About anything and everything and yet.we.don’t. This past weekend I rambled on for 4 hrs [yes, 4 hrs. bloody hell. I don’t think I’ve ever talked that much] because I was anxious and PMS-y and such. and he indirectly reminded me to stop. And that’s one thing I like about him. He’ll yell but not at me. He’s been at my place all upset and emotional and yell-y. But it’s never been at me. And it’s never anything I’ve done. It’s always something in his past. So he’s stuck in the past and brings that out in me. And that’s hard. Or maybe it just reminds me that I haven’t fully dealt with certain.things. which I won’t go into. He has really good stamina, sexaully. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who has that much sexual stamina. not that I’ve a lot to compare it to as I don’t. He respects me.and he listens. and he’s very thoughtful.
On Sunday he was here for like, 5 hrs. or. something. .....no it was longer than that. I evidently passed out [as in, literally, actually............yeah] yesterday - which means I’ve not slept since like Sat., though I rested although I don’t feel like I have - so I guess he left my place between 1 and 2 p.m. yesterday which I discovered when I phoned him after I ‘woke up’. and asked him. Um but anyways. getting back to my point. So evidently before he left
left a note part of which was ‘last night was nice’. My ex didn’t do that and at one point I wanted him to. I didn’t even have to ask Evan to do that which is nice...........wow. For once - our 1st date was St. Patrick’s Day - we weren’t arguing. Out of all my relationships this is the one I’ve been the most communicative. in. er..............I mean. Whenevernwe have a problem I’ll tell him ‘I want to talk about something’ which I never did before. Not ‘we need to talk’ [yeah evidently that’s a bad thing to tell someone]. And then I’ll say my side of things how I feel about the problem and then let him tell me his. And we talk it out. I’m getting really good at this whole communicating thing. I do know that he’s lived in CA and he likes squirrels. and movies. He’s really into science and likes kung fu, Jackie Chan and Jet Li. and astrology. he’s fairly intelligent which is a big freakin turnon omygod. Most of what we do is talk. whether it’s when we smoke or drink or watch something or.whatever. We’re usually talking about something or other. Most of or time is spent at my place. actually all of it is. we’ve not gone anywheres yet which is fine. I trust him..........he knows about my stuff. my PTSD and such. I’ve told him more in the past month than I’ve told. most people. I’m not scared of him I’m just. not sure what to do when he rants so I just stay quiet and hope that’s the right thing to do in that situation. I
recently asked him what he wanted me to do and he goes ‘i don’t know’. Bt he also was prety upset when I asked him that, so. once he’s not I’ll ask again.
It’s so. incredibly. liberating. being with him. He’s this peace loving nature hippie guy. He makes me feel like a bird of the ‘60’s, as it were. You know he’s not jealous he’s not controlling.........not once has he hurt me. it’s really nice to be this. liberated. And on that note there are a few things I hold in the highest regard: loyalty, devotion, compassion, love and freedom [you can call me a hippie and I won’t deny it]. It’s interesting because I wouldn’t think being with someone would be liberating but it is.has been. I’m the kindof person who needs space. I’ve always been that way. He has these beautiful green eyes only slightly lighter than mine [mine are hazel. actually]. His change from green to blue to gray. I like it when they’re blue since, for one, it’s a change and for another it’s to intense.so vivid. Pat had eyes that color. Evan only so slightly resembles Jim Carrey and Rick Springfield and James Dean.kindof. He’s more serious than my ex which I like. it makes me feel like I relate to him more. He’s very sweet and always so sweet to me. When he’s not ranting he’s pretty mellow. It’s just so.comfortable. he’s charming and lovely and a really good singer. oh and romantic...........sensual. He wants to take me out dancing, his idea..........wow. really easy to talk to.............when we were talking on the phone yesterday he told me “a part of me’s falling in love and a part of me doesn’t want to” and then stopped by 10 mins later for. 20 mins only to rant and be yell-y. Again not at/with me. And after he told me that I was very shocked. still am in fact. I’ve not had much time to process each individual thing I’m going through. But honestly that made me the happiest lady in the world. And when I feel something I really. feel it so completely and intensely [Sage was like that too]. I’m really flattered and this is surprisingly difficult for me to comprehend because I’m in shock. although it shouldn’t come as a surprise since I’m evidently easy to fall for. But that’s the best news I’ve gotten in like. a month. you don’t even know how happy that makes me. I totally understand his feelings. But at the same time the heart wants what it wants. .........he’s very passionate. and wonderful and my god he’s amazing. Imperfect yes but so’s everyone. maybe I’m blindsided here but let me be blindsided if it makes me happy. um.there might be more to this..........’