My Own Hypocrisy in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

First, I want to state that this entry will likely be rather blunt. Second, I want to admit that I may fully be in the wrong here. This comes more from emotion and perception than logic and reason.

As I was getting into bed last night: I pulled the covers back and noticed something odd between the sheets. I investigated and discovered that it was our rarely used small bottle of KY Lubricant. There are only so many reasons to find that item in our bed and I asked Wife if she had masturbated that morning. She said that when she woke up, her body was so stiff and uncomfortable that she figured rubbing out an O might help her body relax. Honestly, a reason I would support.

But it hurt to know that she’d masturbated. And that is where my hypocrisy lies. I masturbate almost every day. Granted, lately it has been more like two or three times a week due to my schedule… but still… masturbation is not unfamiliar to me. However, I would certainly prefer to NOT masturbate. The only reason I do is because were I to not… the sexual frustration and buildup would quite literally drive me mad. I would much prefer to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife than a standing date with my hand. But consistently, repeatedly, annoyingly… it is not to be. Wife denies sex and rejects my advances unless she is in such a state of inebriation as to make me pause and consider cases of Drunken State Date Rape.

And yet… she masturbated. A perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, honestly. It just… it hurt and upset me. Because… I don’t know… maybe on some level it is me internalizing and blaming myself. Because if she does still have sexual feelings, if she does still have a desire to orgasm, but she does still deny me? Maybe it is because she doesn’t find me attractive… or maybe I’m bad at sex. I guess that is probably why it hurt… it made me question things like that.