desperate measures in poetry

Start calling soccer “kick hockey”.
Convince a child that tampons are “mommy’s special cigars”.
Plant seeds of the absurd wherever possible.

Remake key scenes from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with a ferret.
Call someone’s butt their “poop womb” and act like it’s just common slang where you come from.
Always pronounce T-Pain like a Vulcan name. Not “TEE-Pain” rather “Tuh-PAIN”.
Do whatever you can to disrupt the shared reality,
maybe the weeds of change can grow in the cracks.

In a fancy restaurant yell “garcon! garcon! more ice for my wine, s’il vous plait!”
Go into a porno theatre and ask people if they come there often.
When they service the hotel pool, sing “GO GO TOWEL ARRANGERS! GO GO TOWEL ARRANGERS!”
When someone says they have a fever, reply “ooh, sick burn!”
Without any money or influence,
this is the only way we can shape our world for the better.

If they have to step back and think,
new truth can siphon in the fissures.
Lectures won’t do any good
you have to make them rethink it themselves.

Stand outside a Long Island Medium show in a turban telling people “I can see… you are very gullible.”
Eat your dinner rolls in great circular bites as one would apples. Leave the “cores” behind to bewilder the waitstaff.
Sell blue Jack O’Lanterns. Put up a sign that says “We do blumpkins!” See what happens.
Make your go-to pick-up line “You must have terrible back problems!”
Win the lotto. Find out where Eminem shops. Pay everyone there to refer to him as “Macklemore”.
Buy a seahorse and name it Landbiscuit!

This is all we’ve got, this is where we are.
We’re living in a world where everyone made their mind up years ago
the direct approach is no longer doing even doodley-squat.
We must mess with people’s heads and hope
for the indirect best to kick in.

At Thanksgiving when your uncle’s being racist
just point at the dessert and say
“Pumpkin Spice Pie? Really? Grandma’s a real fucking hipster!”
This is where we are now.
This is what we have.