it's a soul thing in 2015

9:18pm

So, I got back from Oregon night before last. We took a quick last minute trip to do some paperwork up there and visit with my uncle. Left on Saturday? I think. And we got back around 8 on Wednesday. Had to work yesterday and didn’t get out until 8pm. I’m kinda tired - feels a little like an understatement. ha.

It’s always all the social interaction and over-stimulation that overwhelms me. Like if I’d just spent five days out in the mountains alone, well, I wouldn’t feel this drained. But having to constantly be around people, never having a moment to myself, that is completely exhausting.

The older I get, the more I’m starting to accept my introverted nature and appreciate it. I’m not ashamed to be shy and quiet anymore. It’s just who I am and I know I’m a pretty fantastic person either way. =] It’s not like some strange disease that I should be trying to cure. It’s just me. I need time alone; I don’t like to spend every waking hour with other human beings; I’ll be ok.

There have been a few deaths in the family/social circle lately. It kind of feels like the start of another one of those eras where we’re just constantly going to funerals and having to have sad conversations. I figured it would come sooner or later [and I know I probably have a lot more to go if I don’t go first] but I’d rather it all happen later. I’m not prepared for this stuff. I’m no better at it than I was five or ten years ago. I’m hopelessly desensitized to death. To the point where I have no idea what to say and it makes me even more uncomfortable than I already am in a room full of mostly strangers. Oh well though. You do what you gotta do and you make sure people know you’re there for them.

One of the people was my great uncle in Mexico so we didn’t get to go to that funeral. We saw him two years ago during that family reunion and I am so glad we were able to get everyone together back then. But that only leaves one sister on my maternal grandfather’s side. Pretty sad. I can only imagine what she’s feeling having lost all of her immediate family. I really want to go see her because they say she hasn’t been doing so well herself.

And I think about losing all these people and how we’re losing so much family history. I wish I had the time/money/opportunity to go to everyone that’s left and ask them to tell me their stories. Like every single one of the stories they could remember about their entire lives. Because I hate losing things in general, and I dislike my horrible memory skills, and it just feels so awful to know that I’m losing out on so much family history every time another one of them leaves this earth.

I know this comes from losing a lot of people at a young age and it drives me insane when people talk about their grandparents [or any older family member] and they totally don’t appreciate them. They don’t know what it’s like to not have them around. How some people would give a lot to be able to sit in an old chair next to them and listen to every one of their boring stories over and over again.

Anyway, my mind’s wandering.

Did I mention I was “diagnosed” with hypertension last week? I went to the doc last Tuesday and he decided that since my blood pressure readings were still elevated I must have high blood pressure. I mean it was the numbers combined with the fact that everyone in my immediate family has it [he didn’t know that, just about my mom]. You know, I kinda felt lonely being the only one not taking medication. heh.

I’m not sure exactly how to explain it, but I started taking the medication on Wednesday and I’ve felt off since then.
Honestly, every time I have a moment where my mind stops racing and the world quiets down, I get this flashing thought about how I feel dead inside.

I don’t understand what’s going on. It’s like a depression, but it isn’t affecting my mind. It’s affecting my heart, my insides, my soul. It just feels empty in there. Nothing’s going on.

I feel like I’m describing actual depression, but I swear that it’s not coming from my brain. I’ve felt the sad/bummed out/apathetic kind of depression and this isn’t it.

Part of me thinks that maybe it’s just my body getting used to the meds. At least that’s what I hope it is. I’ve probably had high blood pressure for a very long time. And it’s probably coming from living a high stress life. A lot of the issues I’m having tend to lead back to large amounts of stress. I’ve tried a lot of things to ease that stress, but I can’t seem to stick to anything long term.

It’s at the point where I don’t even realize I’m “stressed.” Actually it’s been that way for a while. I’m sure I’ve just lived in such a high stress environment for so long that I don’t know what it’s like to not live in that space.

And I’m thinking that maybe that’s why these new meds are making me feel “dead” inside. Because maybe my blood pressure has been running on high for so long that my body doesn’t understand what it’s like to move slow and calmly.

That must be it, right?

[Also I’ve had a horrible cough thing going since I started the meds and I couldn’t figure out if it was a virus or a side effect. It started with a dry throat and lost voice. It was increasingly getting worse each day and I was coughing so much that it started to keep me awake. But I haven’t had any other symptoms. I skipped the pill yesterday and today and I’m feeling better today. Much less coughing. So I’ll start again tomorrow and see how it goes. I may be making a call to the doc to try something else. Because I sure ain’t living the rest of my life with a sore throat/no voice/and that awful cough…]

That’s all for now. Sorry about the theme, but it is what it is.

rose.
9:50pm