Devastated. in Since OD is shutting down....

So yesterday I text my boss yet again about going back over to our other location because I went to make my car payment and they told me I was on the late list! I seriously thought they were kidding. I was 30 days ahead but because I wasn’t paying the full amount every week, I’m no longer ahead. I was seriously about to throw up or start crying. I NEVER thought I’d be where I’m at with my job or at 30 years old and yet, here I am.

I text one of the girls that works at our other location and she said that she’d mention me. I didn’t hear back from her so I text my boss and she doesn’t respond so I go into work and we had a conversation. She started by saying I’m not going back and I told her how behind I am on everything so she said she’d think about it. Well, I go about my day still clinging to a little ray of hope. I ended up having to close last night because the closer was being a little bitch and the manager wanted to get rid of him so I stayed.

I get out of the shower this morning and my friend from the other location text me to say that she brought me up to the boss, the girl that don’t like me (who doesn’t even work there anymore) and the GM of the location where I’m at now. She said she begged and pleaded but they aren’t budging and it’s either I stay where I’m at or nothing. Needless to say, I cry hysterically for about 30 minutes, I was crying so hard I got one helluva nose bleed. I text my boss a very nice message saying I was sorry for quitting (back in July) and if I got to go back I wouldn’t fuck up and I would make them proud.

I’m going to skip a couple of things and talk about when I get to work. I walk in and everyone starts talking to me. She walks by and says, “don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about ya” so I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. Well, I’m super depressed at work and honestly give myself mad props for even showing up because earlier today, I was ready to just tell them to come get my car and just stay in bed until I died of starvation. I was just…done. I’ve never felt so angry and defeated in my whole life.

Then tonight, I get asked to stay late which I didn’t want to because I’m just over working for a company that doesn’t care about me enough to let me go back to our other location so I can actually support myself but I did. I get a Facebook message from someone at our other location saying he’s so glad to hear I’m coming back and he’s excited to work with me again. My heart was in my throat. I told him he had to have heard wrong and I’ve been begging to come back for months but it’s not going to happen. There’s just no way they would know about it before me. I talked to a manager about it a few minutes ago and she says she feels really bad and wishes there’s something she could do but her hands are tired. She said that girl that doesn’t like me doesn’t have a problem with me and what not but I just don’t believe that.

I feel so shattered and broken. I seriously don’t even care if I don’t wake up in the morning. I am honestly ready to eat a fucking bullet. I’ve never felt so weak, vulnerable, and trapped in my whole life and I seriously don’t know how I’m going to continue like this. Every one of my bills is behind and if it wasn’t for my friend helping me with food, I would be seriously eating bread and ramen every fucking day.

My hope is gone. I didn’t have much anyway but now, what little I had is completely gone. I honestly don’t even want to think about it anymore and just want everyone to forget about it. This is just too painful and I have to just accept that I’m stuck. I can’t leave because nothing is going to pay me anywhere near enough, because I’m heavy to be at a job where I’d be on my feet the whole time and then there’s the social anxiety.

Seriously, I am just screwed. I don’t see a way out. I’m also really sick of being told no one has a problem with me but if that was true, I’d be where I should be. I feel like people know more then what they tell me because they don’t want to be the one to break me.

All I know is financially, I’m never going to get out of this hole. I got hired on the spot at a store yesterday and was supposed to start today but didn’t go because I honestly thought I had a good chance of getting my job back where I’d make real money and yeah…I blew it.

It’s like that country song where he says, “the joke’s on me and it ain’t funny, everybody could see the punch line coming from a mile away” that’s how I’ve felt for 3 months now. That everyone knew I’d never get my job back there but no one would fucking tell me for one reason or another.

I think my boss either knows the decision is no but doesn’t want to tell me, is still trying to convince her husband or just doesn’t have it in her to tell me the truth. I seriously just don’t trust anyone now because of this. It pisses me off that I get absolutely no say over this at all and even my GM where I’m at now is against it because I am her hook up for smokes and shit. She has her own selfish motives for this and it’s upsetting because I don’t feel like any of them have my best interest at heart.

None of this makes any sense. I understand that life is not fair but this is a sick joke. I am seriously drowning and nobody cares. I honestly feel like it’s all just a bad dream or my imagination is getting the best of me. This just can’t be fucking real. I want to die every time I check my bank account. As of right now, I have $7.65 in my account. Not sure how I’ll pay for gas to even get to work tomorrow.

All I’ve done for 3 months now is just exist. I don’t live anymore. I don’t feel alive. I’m barely getting by financially and scared to death of my car breaking down or anything that could put me down even further. I seriously don’t know how to keep living like this. There’s a solution here but I just haven’t found it yet. I know that I’m not ready to leave there and start something new but I’m gonna have to find a second job, I’d just like to find something under the table or it’s going to make my rent even higher and probably do more harm than good.

I just feel so fucking trapped. I can’t even afford things I need like new underwear or socks. All of my socks have holes in them and aren’t going to do me much good when it starts getting cold. I never have any extra money because every dollar I make goes to bills, gas, and smokes. I just don’t even know how things got so bad but I gotta figure out how to fix it because I’m not happy at all.

My eyes sting from crying. I just can’t pretend that I’m not angry. It’s hard to smile or have even one moment where I’m not worrying about how to pay everything. I live in constant fear and anxiety. I’m probably the most dead person alive with a fucking heartbeat. It’s just so crazy how your job can make you deliriously happy to making you hope you die in a car accident or something.

So earlier today I just wanted someone to listen to me so I text Dan. I told him I really needed to talk so he called. We visited for about 20 minutes and then he asked if he could come get his shirt. When he came, I went outside and gave it to him. We talked for awhile and then I asked if he missed me or just came for his shirt. He took a second and said, “I don’t give a fuck about the shirt” and then fixed my car door enough so it doesn’t creek. He then came inside and he put in a new lip ring for me. I haven’t heard from him since and not sure what to say or do. He text our boss about coming back but not sure if he heard from her or not. We were busy tonight because of some stupid fundraiser.

Anyways, it’s almost 1am and I need to try and get some sleep. Goodnight.