Pissed. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so the past 3 days have been pretty great because I’ve gotten a break from my job. I got back today at 4 and want to go apply for a temp job before I get there. I am gonna have to get a second job, at least for awhile so I can get some shit caught up and not be so completely dependent on my job. I know that I’m more broke because I had someone mooching off me so I’m hoping that I’ll make some decent money in tips this week to make up for it and get some things paid. I didn’t even make a car payment last week because I just didn’t fucking have it and that drives me fucking nuts. I used to pay $100 a week on my car because I like being caught up and seeing the numbers go down so much and now I’m lucky if I can pay half of that every week.

I’m extremely pissed that I’m this broke and it’s because of someone constantly bugging me to buy them shit. I would have been able to buy energy drinks with my food stamps but because of Dan, I’m completely out and had to go to the food bank yesterday. They really didn’t have much but I got enough to last for the next few days until I get food stamps again. It’s just crazy how someone can be so moochy and not give a shit!!! I took him with me to Walmart the other night and spent what I had on my card and because he had to have a jug of tea and his own kind of burritos, I had to pay for them with my debit card.

I just got so sick of knowing that if I said no, he would flip his crazy switch and it would lead to us breaking up. I just never felt like he understood that I have bills to pay which require me to work and I can’t spend money like it’s nothing!!! I’ve done nothing but struggle since July and there’s just no way I was going to be able to continue feeding an extra person every fucking day. I get that he was broke when he quit working but to expect me to make up for it was selfish and inconsiderate. I work so hard for my money and to watch it going to take care of someone that treated me like he did was absolutely crazy.

Being with him was what I needed to realize I am better off single and until I can find someone that doesn’t think it’s my job to take care of them and doesn’t put their dog first, I will continue doing me. I am just so angry that no matter what I did it was never enough and even though I was broke, he would keep asking for more!

I was just so over it! I was spending more than I could afford and more than what I was comfortable with. There’s just no way I will ever go through this again. I’ve always had to pay for my own shit so it’s bullshit when I’m expected to do for someone else. He made sure I was constantly doing for him and that’s what made me so angry. I’m just disgusted with myself for putting up with this shit.

Honestly, I think at the end of the day neither one of us were really ready to make the changes we would have needed to be in a relationship. I know that I’ve been on my own for too long to have to start caring about someone else and being responsible for helping them with gas, chew, food, and soda every day. I was also not going to let someone tell me that I would basically have to change everything about myself and my personality to be with them. I was also so tired of never being home where I pay so much for rent, lights, and cable just to be staying somewhere else where I wasn’t comfortable and couldn’t sleep. He would keep it incredibly hot in his house and it made me feel like I was going to suffocate.

I was just sick of putting him before myself and going without because his needs were more important. There was so many times I would go without eating, gas, and cigarettes because I had to put him above me to avoid an explosive argument. I was just so tired of knowing that if I stood up to him, told him no, or had any kind of a backbone things would get explosive. I wasn’t allowed to have my own feelings or opinions and that’s definitely not me. I’m a very verbal, strong willed person and I can’t be in a situation where I can’t stand up for myself.

It’s just so crazy to me how selfish and mean people can be. I remember when I first met him and he made me feel so safe and secure with him and the last couple of weeks I honestly just felt like any moment he’s gonna go fucking ballistic. I was just always trying to keep the fucking peace. It was just like being with my ex John. I was constantly apologizing and walking on egg shells because it’s so exhausting to fight and argue with someone!!!

I just got some news that the GM of our other location has quit and moved out of state. I do feel like I have a better chance of going back now because they are in desperate need of people and I’d love to go back instead of finding a second job. I’ve talked to one of the managers that works there and she’s going to ask the boss about me coming back. Now that I don’t have a boyfriend and have more time, I’m going to see about going back over there. I’m going to give it a couple of days and maybe text my boss and ask myself. I’m sick of struggling to pay my bills but I know that now because I’m not supporting someone’s eating and chew habits, it’s going to get easier though.

I have to make around $150 this week for cable, car payment and student loans. Hopefully I can make that happen or I’m going to have to work on Sunday. I really don’t want to give up my days off but hopefully I can get back to our other location and make real money soon. I know I need to quit with the idea of going back there but it’s hard when I’m not doing well paying my bills.

It’s just been so great to get sleep, wake up in my own bed and get my chores around the house done. My garbage had sat for so long that it had fruit flies in it and that was almost enough to make me blow chunks. I can’t ever again be gone like I was. He even got pissed the other night that I didn’t have any clean forks and it’s like okay when the fuck am I home to do the dishes?!?!?! I was just so aggravated with him and happy as hell that it’s over.

I’m just happy to not have to argue with someone, not have to worry about holding everything in, not having all my free time go to someone else, not have to deal with a dog when I’m sleeping or in my car and most of all, just getting back to myself!!! There was just too much I was sacrificing to make this shit work and I knew it was only a matter of time before it ended.

Time for work.