Snuff in Every day scata

I’m avoiding people.

I’m so wrapped up in my brain it hurts.

One of my best friends is dying of cancer. She’s 40. She wants to live so bad, but the prognosis isn’t good. She has children she is going to leave behind.

Another friend overseas is suicidal. She doesn’t want to live, even though she has young children she would leave behind.

Yet another friend is in an open marriage. She has been “seeing” this one guy for years. Suddenly he doesn’t want anything to do with her. Even called her fat! Yet she keeps pining away for him, willing to put up with the abuse.

Another friend has a heart of gold, and doesn’t live too far away from me. But she is agoraphobic and doesn’t leave her house. I swear one of these days I’m going to ask if it’s ok if I stop by.

And then there is me. The injection in my SI joint didn’t do shit. I’m still in pain. The anxiety is crushing me 99% of the time. The pain and anxiety are exhausting so I’m always feeling like death warmed over.

Tomorrow I see the ortho again. Obviously I’m going to tell him it didn’t work, PT isn’t working so I want to stop that. I don’t know what else he could offer me, but I’m just so DONE with it all. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that this is something that I will live with for the rest of my life, and I won’t be able to go back to my job on the floor… not that I really want to anymore.

I’m to call the lawyer after my appointment to tell them what is going on. Worried about that. I just don’t know where they stand with my case.

All the what if’s going through my head about all of it. From my friends, to myself.

So I’m avoiding people. I’m worried about everyone, worried about the future… I’m withdrawing because it’s safer inside. I don’t want to push my worries onto others, y’know? Everyone else is fighting their own battles. I try to be there, but right now? I just can’t.