My niece, nap, got my shit from Crazy. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got up this morning and picked up my niece. I took her with me to Walmart and got a little bit of food. I’m completely broke but was able to get enough for at least a couple of days. I may go to the food bank tomorrow since I’m out of food stamps from having to feed an extra person every night. I hung out with her for a few hours and then took her home. I came back here and napped for about 3 hours. Dan text me to say that he can’t do this anymore and he put all my shit in a bag. He then called to repeat himself and then called again to tell me the exact same shit he’d already said.

I woke up and just laid in my bed for about a half hour and then I went over to get my shit before something happened to it. I ended up having to call him because I couldn’t find it and we were both very pleasant. I left his car charger, boxers and a carabeener he gave me on his chair by his front door so hopefully he’ll notice them at some point.

I’m still massively tired and plan to get to bed soon because I just want to catch up on sleep before I start another work week. I’m completely okay with us breaking up and I plan to leave it where it’s at. I can’t do this back and forth shit. He has again blocked me on Facebook and I told him last night that if he did I wasn’t going to re-add him or approve a relationship again. I’m not going to look stupid. He’s made his choices and so have I.

Right now I’m just super angry that I’m so broke because of him. I’m pissed that I’ve had to use my credit card and now I’m $82 from being maxed out. I’ve had to buy us food like 3 different times on it because I didn’t have enough on my debit card and I just hate being that far in debt on my credit card because it’s so hard to afford the payments. I was always taught you don’t eat in front of people and that’s why I’d buy him food too but I’m just glad that it’s over and I won’t have to do it anymore and I can just focus on paying it and worrying just about me except on days when I have my niece. I seriously can’t afford to feed an extra person everyday.

He’s just a fucking mooch. I remember one day him calling me to tell me that he had gotten into a fight with his parents because they weren’t helping him. He told me his Dad said, “we don’t owe you anything asshole” and I remember thinking holy shit his own family thinks he’s a mooch. He would ask me for shit and then say he wasn’t trying to be a mooch and it’s like okay well if you think you’re being one, then you probably are. It’s just crazy how many times I bought him chew, food, and put gas in his truck. Just fucking ridiculous. I was way more giving then what I really am and I just don’t want to be with someone where I’m constantly having to spend money.

I’ve always kept my distance from people because I get so tired of being used. I wasn’t able to pay anything on my light bill 2 weeks ago because every time I hung out with him, I was having to spend money buying him food and shit. I’m still horribly behind on that and don’t know how I’m ever going to get caught up because of all my other bills. I’m also sick of never making anywhere near enough money. I just can’t afford gas, cigarettes, my bills and spending money on another person, especially on a daily basis. I just felt like it was easier than getting into a fight when I would have said no.

I’m honestly just glad that it’s over because now I can just worry about my own shit. I will be able to get way more sleep, have more money, see my family and friends and start looking for a second job. Having a boyfriend took way more time and energy than I was gonna be able to give long term. I seriously never want to find myself in this predicament with someone ever again. When it was good it was really good and when it was bad, it was absolutely explosive and emotionally draining. NEVER AGAIN!!!!

It just bothered me how shitty things were after 1 month. This is not what I could deal with and I’m glad to be single again. I just felt like he wanted to change me and wanted too much his way. I wasn’t allowed to disagree with him or be my own person and that was enough for me. I just got so sick of how I was supposed to be so considerate of him and his dog but yet he wasn’t the same way with me. I was sick of hearing him talk about how I knew he had a dog when we met but he also knew I smoked and swore when we met too. I also was over how he used that dog to control everything. If the dog went with us, I wasn’t allowed to smoke in my car and we always had to do shit so the dog could come and when he wasn’t with us, we had to rush whatever we were doing so he could get home to check on him. Fuck it’s a DOG, not a fucking child!!!!

Yeah, anyways I’m off tomorrow too and plan to catch up on my shows and go to the food bank. I don’t want to have to worry about affording groceries this week on top of a car payment and cable so hopefully there will still be food on the shelves when I get there. I’m so angry that I’m this broke, especially because of someone else. It’s bullshit but I should have never spent money on him. I did because it was easier than fighting with him. I wasn’t allowed to say no, I wasn’t allowed to stand up for myself.

I think tomorrow I’m going to apply at a loan place here in town. The hours are 9-6:30 and I would like to at least put in an application and see what happens. I am just so tired of struggling to pay my bills and scared that it’s going to get to the point of not being able to pay everything because I don’t make nearly enough. I’m sick of having to do so much for so little. I do get where Dan was coming from with why he got out and I’m going to do what I can to leave as well. I just feel like I have so much to offer and I’m wasting what I have where I work. I’ve been there for almost 2 years and I still haven’t gotten a raise and absolutely no recognition for how hard I work. I’m just sick of constantly stressing about money and even this week I couldn’t afford a car payment and we got paid on Friday!!! Like WTF!!! Shit is just getting ridiculous and I’m going to keep my options open.

Anyways, I’m going to watch some tv and go to bed.