Craziness. in Since OD is shutting down....

I just got done working an 11 hour stretch so I could go to my best friend’s wedding this evening. It was completely amazing and everything I thought it would be. I was her maid of honor and bought a really beautiful dress. We had fun and I’m happy that I went.

Dan and I are just fucking....done. He’s fucking crazy and mean. We’ve been pretty much on and off for a couple of weeks now. He’s so much like my ex that I just can’t see this working. Everything is fine as long as I go along with whatever he wants and then when I have my own opinions that differ from his, all hell breaks loose. We had a great time at the wedding and we left sooner than what I wanted because of his dog. He wanted to go check on him and I didn’t want him taking my car because I don’t have much gas and I didn’t want him sitting in it waiting for me so we left and an argument broke out.

I was just fucking over it and pissed because he bottomed my car out and then slammed the door when he got out. I took him home and then hooked up with an old flame. I feel no remorse whatsoever because we don’t have sex, I doubt it will ever fucking happen and I have needs too. I was making sexual comments towards him at the wedding and as soon as we got in the car, he starts in about how he’s tired and blah blah blah which I take as his out so I was annoyed and then once he bottomed my car out, I made some comments. He told me I was bi-polar and that made me want to start screaming. I’m not bi-polar, never been diagnosed with it and I feel like he just says that shit to push buttons.

Because I was still in my dress I wore to the wedding, I decided to go knock on my old flame’s door and yeah..it happened. He and I both have someone and yet, we still went there. I feel totally okay with it. I plan to see where things are with Dan the next couple of days and go from there. If we are still where we are, I’m going to give my old flame my number because that way I can have sex which is all I really want anyway.

Seriously, I’m running on empty. All I’ve done for weeks is work, drive, sleep and and try to balance my personal life between Dan, my niece, and my friends. I’ve only seen my niece for about 2 hours in the past 2 weeks and I plan to spend time with her tomorrow. I honestly believe Dan was so angry because I told him I was going to hang out with her tomorrow and that’s why he didn’t want me to spend the night. I am okay with that because after I hooked up with my old flame, I went out for a drink with a friend.

I’ve lost 12 pounds in the past 2 weeks because I barely eat, barely sleep and don’t do much besides smoke. I plan to quit smoking but it will be when I feel like it. Dan is always bitching about it but I’m not going to stop because I’m nagged into it. He chews which is just as fucking gross. I’m also annoyed that because he’s trying not to swear as much, he wants me to stop too. Um, no. Just NO! I’m 30 years old, I pay all my own bills and live life the way I want so it’s never going to happen. I honestly can’t talk without swearing unless I’m at work so if he wants to stop, that’s fine but that’s something I’m never going to do.

I just feel like he’s more interested in changing me than anything else. It’s also crazy how we can go from being sweet to each other and saying I love you to completely hating each other. Last night we like broke up and then he asked me to come back and spend the night. I seriously just don’t like how things are and would be totally ok with it if he called tomorrow and said we are done. I just can’t fucking stand him or this situation.

Um, I also think he’s a fucking mooch too. He doesn’t have a job anymore but gets social security because he has a mood disorder (yeah I know) and asks me to buy him stuff like chew, soda and even the other day he wanted to take his truck to my parents so I had to put gas in! I can’t even afford to keep gas in my own fucking car!!! I know he’s spent money on me too but I’ve spent way more on him and that makes me really uncomfortable. I have to work for my money, he doesn’t. I’m pissed that I’m out of fucking food stamps now because I’ve had to buy groceries to feed us because if I’m with him and hungry, I have to feed him too!!!!

I just don’t like feeling like I’m not allowed to speak up when I’m upset or else it ends up in a big argument and him breaking up with me! He always says everything is his fault but yet, I’m always the one apologizing. None of this shit makes any sense and it’s a great refresher course to remind me why I’m single. I just can’t do this shit!!! He’s not the nice guy I thought he was. I’m just sick of always having to foot the bill whenever we hang out. I’m cool with us taking my car to the wedding because it was MY friend’s wedding but then he asks if I can take him to drop his truck off at the mechanic tomorrow and I said yes because I felt like if I said no, it would’ve been a damn argument.

Oh, and I’m not allowed to talk about work either. We almost broke up last night because I was talking about my job. I’m sorry that I spend 85% of my time awake at that place so it’s like the main thing I talk about. He said that’s literally all we ever talk about and that’s not true at all. It’s just bullshit because I feel like no matter what I talk about, it’s boring and uninteresting to him.

My life has been all about work and school for so long that I honestly don’t know what life is outside of it besides my niece. I think it would take too much adjusting to actually having someone to hang out with outside of the norm.