The Path Enforced (Long) in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Today I am making a very concentrated effort to make a schedule, stick to it, and get a lot more PB reading done!

Up at 7:30 am!

Step One: Finish that ridiculous writing assignment for work.
Taken care of. Somewhat frustrating that it was less a research and discussion assignment and more of a “just tell us what this report says” assignment. I’m sure that is what a lot of people do in their jobs but… again… condensing an inconclusive 52 page Psych Study into 6 pages is (arguably) why I went to college… but I’m not some B.A. graduate looking for a few bucks… I’m a licensed attorney with experience and specialization in litigation. Just… feeling my wasted potential draining out, lol.

Step Two: Burpees in the morning!
Ufda! Pain and stiffness aside… there is a mental hurdle waking up and thinking “First thing I’m going to do today is kick my own ass and likely put myself in pain for the rest of the day!” That being said… there was a logistics question that popped into my head. Do I take my medication before or after the burpees? I’m sure it isn’t affected really one way or the other but… adding something to the morning routine kind of… makes me rethink all of it around the addition. That being said… after (honestly) about 45 minutes of self-talk… I actually did my burpees. Or at least 10 of them. I’ll build up to more. Obviously.

Step Three: Turn in that ridiculous report… and drop off dry cleaning.
Switch from sweatpants and ratty shirt to… jeans and slightly less ratty shirt. I’m not going to be in court today or really doing anything else of significant value so I’m not going to dress up. lol.

Step Four: Job Applications.
I turned in a job application for Disability Rights Iowa that a friend of mine works for. It is located in Des Moines and would involve people with physical and mental disabilities. I feel rather under-qualified for the position but it would be nice being back home again and serving clients that need help.
I also turned in a job application for another Ambulance Chaser. It turns my stomach every time I do… but I need work. AND at least this job is in West Des Moines. So… the question (ever present) is… can I swallow my pride and dignity long enough to do a job like that… for however long it takes to get employment somewhere honorable?

Step Five: Grocery Store.
Actually, dropping off rent… depositing a check… and grocery shopping.
Ufda… not happy about how much food costs. Especially since I’m doing this to try to eat healthier! Bought ingredients for a tuna dish and a lean version of lasagna (since Wife says she wants me to finish off the last of the pasta noodles). Also picked up some alcohol. I know, not the healthy choice. But frankly? I don’t know. Being concerned for everyone else hasn’t been working out for me… what if I just take care of my own shit and to hell with everything else?

At the Grocery Store (somewhat related to that last sentence) it struck me that being self-doubting and in kind of a bad place about myself (due to job prospects) is probably good for my marriage. Let me put it this way… before my wife, I still saw the world as I see it now. I would see beautiful, gorgeous people constantly. And yeah, a lot of those people probably didn’t think they were beautiful or attractive because the world we live in makes billions of dollars trying to make everyone feel incomplete and unsatisfactory. But before my wife… I would never even dream of approaching a beautiful woman. I’m sure theories abound… maybe it was because you were a virgin… maybe it was because your longest relationship involved sexual/physical/emotional abuse… or any other number of reasons. And… I don’t have any reason to believe this but honestly? I do think if I were single now… after everything I’ve experienced with Wife… I’d be a lot more confident in myself. All of that is a rambling preamble to this:
At the grocery store there were people of all types. I always have my head on a swivel so I notice people. And most of the people looked human, lol. Like… as opposed to the type you see at Wal Mart. One of many differences. I shop at Baker’s because of a thousand reasons. But there was a nurse just getting off shift… and she still looked gorgeous in her scrubs. Then there was an older mom trying to keep her daughter from grabbing all the cookies… she was a little exasperated; but her hair and figure illustrated that she either had self-confidence or could fake it. Even on my way out, almost like a scene from a movie, a tall blonde woman was walking against the wind in a stunning yellow dress and wedge heels. And I see all of that and think… these people look like this to go shopping (or at least, look like that when they are shopping). I couldn’t even convince my wife to run a comb through her hair last time we went out to do something social. So I think… I’m that husband that looks at his wife and wonders when she stopped trying… when she stopped caring… but the horror is… most of those husbands experience that after a few kids. My wife stopped caring about two years after working at this specific Wal Mart. And… here’s the thing about that. Her caring about appearance and self-confidence in general? NOT wal mart… her caring about that stuff when we go out? Wal Mart. She used to get dressed up, made up, have fun, all of that… I miss that version of my wife. BUT I do need to be honest… she had moments like this from before. Here’s a good example from TODAY about what I mean about how she views herself and anyone/anything that sees beauty in her....
I was coming home from dropping my report off at work and Wife was out of bed doing something or other at her desk. She was wearing black yoga pants and her Captain America Hoodie. She, like most women, looks great in her yoga pants… but I don’t compliment her on things like that anymore because I’m tired of her putting me down when I say she looks pretty or attractive or anything. But when she got up from her desk, I noticed that she hadn’t zipped up her hoodie and was not wearing a shirt or bra. She looked good but I tried not to be animated in my face… I simply took notice as many men would do when someone they find sexually attractive is in a state of undress around them. Apparently, I was “caught” because the expression on my face seemed to say “Gee, my wife sure is pretty” so Wife grabbed the sides of the hoodie and clutched them around herself giving me a scowl. Note= she didn’t zip up the hoodie… just… scowled at me for having a facial expression in regards to seeing my Wife in a state of undress. (Of course… part of me thinks “If our naked lives were more fulfilling maybe such a minor state of undress wouldn’t elicit such a facial expression”)
All of that comes back around to how I started this thought… being self-doubting and in kind of a bad place about myself (due to job prospects) is probably good for my marriage. Because being so downtrodden about the job market and all of that… I’m far more willing to stick things out here. If I were in a great job making hundreds of thousands of dollars and Wife still behaved as she does… I can say (after spending loads on therapy and counseling) I’d be much more inclined to walk away from the marriage. But as it is… we’re both just in a Fighter’s Pit scrapping. She’s in a job that is killing everything about her that had us get married… I’m looking for work constantly in a market that seems to have One opening for every 300 candidates… we’re just both in a Survival Mode.

Step Six: Cooking
Trying, per Wife’s request, to get rid of our left over noodles… I am again making Lasagna. A messy and rather more complicated process than I’d prefer. Prep and all of that takes an hour; 4 hours in the slow cooker… and the clean up takes about an hour.

Step Seven: Jogging and Weights.
That is what the schedule says anyway. The apartment workout complex is back up and running but instead of improving it, they actually made it worse (with less equipment.) That usually means if someone wants to do any form of jogging or elliptical… they need to be lucky enough to snag one as soon as it gets free! Luckily, I did get the elliptical… after doing 3 circuits on the weight equipment. Boy I have a long way to go! I only got to 3k on the machine before I just could not keep going. Not that long ago, 5k would be my average work out. As I said… a long way to go.

Step Eight: Shower & Done
Shower time! After that… Prose Box Reading and Destiny, I guess. I mean… that is my entire schedule for the day… and it all got finished! In almost 12 hours exactly!

WEIRD INFORMATION INCLUSION (for fun)
(1) I used to play World of Warcraft. I really enjoyed it but there, like everywhere, I didn’t know how to be social AT ALL and in those kinds of games… trying to do everything 100% solo simply isn’t feasible. Besides, those games seem more fun when you play with other people anyway. So I quit a few months after the Wrath of the Lich King expansion. Even still, I often find myself missing Teldrassil. Not surprisingly (for those who know me in any Game World) my main was a Night Elf Hunter. Every element of that character description is how I love to play all games… give me a Night Elf type and an archery class and I will be a happy player. I mention this because I often find myself thinking back to Level 1-10 (or in my case; 1-15) and the beautiful greens, blues, and purples of Teldrassil. Honestly… the forest, the giant tree, the city… it was visually beautiful, peaceful, and a fun place to be. Of course… since Cataclysm came out… even if I had ever considered going back to WoW I’m not sure if I would. That expansion seems to have completely redesigned the visuals and… meh.

(2) I really miss dance. I know it was a big reason why people thought I was gay and I know that with my Fibro (and now being an Old White Man) it isn’t as feasible… but I miss it so much. Jazz, Tap, Broadway, I even did Boy Band stuff… just… something in my head/heart.