I Will Survive in Packrat

I overthink and work myself up into a lather that likely wouldn’t happen if I could keep in mind the Serenity Prayer, particularly the lines about accepting what I cannot change. I really am trying to let go when life doesn’t happen as I think it should - because we all know that I know best!
Elections were not to my satisfaction because of who won the top spot, and I made several copies of my old memo and attachments detailing the incident when SE tried to give away our burial sites, showing her lack of comprehending federal law, tribal policy, and especially our traditions. I had planned to give them to the rest of the elected leaders so they could keep it from happening again, but since it happened in 2007 I decided to give a copy to my brother instead, since his position is usually the liaison to my program. I’ll definitely keep the others on hand, though.
…He, my new coordinator, and I went to lunch so we could explain her program to him and I could give him the copy, and of all things she and her sisters were already at the restaurant we chose. She came to our table and surprised me by telling me about a report from a tribal member out of state about something going on with old homelands; she tried to interfere with my job before, but in telling me about the incident I could look into it (I did, came to nothing) - she’s leaving me to do my job. I don’t have to like her to be able to work with her, and I can work with her if she continues her behavior in that vein.
…All directors had to meet with the entire BC about our objectives, goals, problems, and possible solutions; my session was all chat and reminiscence. I had prepared a one page document listing what I just mentioned, at the request of the BC, who said I was the only director to do so. That left me free to talk about my hopes for the future - a museum, restaurant, gift shop, and business center; oral histories; better archives and storage; mapping out our old agency town. I have shorter range goals for the “cultural center” displays, having acquired a grant for stands, easels, etc.; right now unless something is free standing it can’t be displayed.
…She was actually very pleasant. My brother said he has already seen the shady in her, but she’s kept it in check, he thinks, because her win wasn’t by much. The other two won by landslides, and my brother won overwhelmingly and could have won any position, methinks. She knows they have great support out there, and since she saw us at lunch together she knows I’m sort of under his protection.
…Again, I don’t have to like her to work with her as long as she keeps from interfering with my job.
Thinking about Mr. Smith, who has been attentive; once upon a time…but he and I also met up last week with another friend, who brought her daughter, and I wanted to see sparks. Our friend said she would love it had there been sparks, but she didn’t see any. It would be perfect: they’re about the same age, both single, both intelligent and good-looking; the university from which she graduated owns the museum where he works, so he has to sometimes put in appearances at university functions, like the football games (in the president’s box - I asked can it really be a football experience in the president’s box, away from the weather? I’ve wrapped up in trash bags to sit in the bleachers while it rained), which he would enjoy more with someone whose company he enjoys especially if she’s having a great time…our friend said we should go back to the days of arranged marriages, since we both want this to work and can make better decisions for them, smart though they may be! haha
…Anyway, he wished me a Happy Birthday, but S did not, despite having been told the day before, although he remembered that I went on vacation around my birthday. It would have been nice if he remembered; he has asked several times before when it is then chides me when it’s passed by saying I didn’t say when it was. The Wordsmith is the same way. Maybe it’s an age thing.
Birthday. I’m 52! I’m longing to feel the wind off the ocean on my face! My screensaver is a shot from my vacation two years ago. Air fares were low - $305 round trip!!!! So doable!!!! It was killing me, I tell ya - KILLING me not to be able to go. I could have, but with my Little Brother’s current illness and knowing his caretakers (my mom and another lady) can’t get away any time soon, I don’t feel right about going, either.
…My brother’s progress will be slow, but he’s making progress, and I should soon be by my ocean.
…I do need a break, but life is better now that I’m taking vitamins for my thyroid. I feel more awake, more present in the now, with a better outlook; I sleep better and my screaming moments have nearly gone away. I’ve been more productive at work. I don’t feel like I’m dragging through life, enduring it; I feel like I have a life again.