I don't WANT to feel this way in Musings

(Look I’m writing again!)

I have know since I was a teen that I have bouts of anxiety and depression that ebb and flow. I have know that they have gotten better since I have been older. I have known especially after being pregnant that I am extra sensitive to hormones.

So adding that all together I have finally figured out I have hormonal anxiety. And it typically starts the week before my period and ends the day I begin bleeding. It is not always so cut and dry and not every month is as bad. But this cycle it was so terrible there were days I really didn’t feel like I could function as a human. And yesterday I woke up feeling completely normal and like myself again. Lo and behold I began my period later that day.

I clearly remember when I was a teenager my parents sitting me down and telling me with a hand motion waving up and down like a roller coaster “You’re like this and we need you to be like this” Showing smaller less erratic waves this time.

I remember thinking “You think I WANT to be this way?” I told my mom as much recently and she apologized and said they just didn’t understand what to do and only wanted the best for me.

I also remember my on again off again college boyfriend telling me that there was “no way you could actually be this emotional” and accusing me of faking tears for his attention. Once again my response “Do you think I WANT to feel this way?” I didn’t. And I still don’t.

Put that conversation in contrast to one with my husband last week. I told him I was feeling anxious. He asked the “Why?” question he is so prone to asking. I told him I didn’t know and I just felt like their was so much choas inside my brain. He said “I love you, but I have been with you for 6 years and it’s always like this the week before your period”

But he didn’t say it in a way that was belittling my emotions. He meant it as a comfort. And it was. We went on to talk about how he sees it coming and knows that it is just something that is a part of me but not all of me. I can’t explain how it feels to have someone who doesn’t actually understand because he himself doesn’t experience anxiety, but is able to so calmly and without question accept me and not expect me to have less emotions. He understands I don’t WANT to feel that way. I just do.

I used to imagine hormones as these little invisible creatures inside of me that somehow bring out my very worst. And for so long I have been fighting against them tooth and nail. But all that did was exhaust me even more. I decided I’m going to be a bit better about tracking my physical and emotional symptoms and be a little more kind to myself during that extra hormonal week.

I won’t feel guilty for taking a break from my work to read a book. I won’t feel guilty letting Leah watch an extra movie here and there so I can rest. I won’t feel guilty not making or canceling social engagements.

Because even though I don’t WANT to feel that way, it is a part of me and I’m not going to feel guilty for that.